And get safe to port, ere his patience quite fails;
Moreover, although ’tis a slender return
For your toil and expense, yet my paper will burn,
And, if you have manfully struggled thus far with me,
You may e’en twist me up, and just light your cigar with me:  330
If too angry for that, you can tear me in pieces,
And my membra disjecta consign to the breezes,
A fate like great Ratzau’s, whom one of those bores,
Who beflead with bad verses poor Louis Quatorze,
Describes (the first verse somehow ends with victoire),
As dispersant partout et ses membres et sa gloire;
Or, if I were over-desirous of earning
A repute among noodles for classical learning,
I could pick you a score of allusions, i-wis,
As new as the jests of Didaskalos tis; 340
Better still, I could make out a good solid list
From authors recondite who do not exist,—­
But that would be naughty:  at least, I could twist
Something out of Absyrtus, or turn your inquiries
After Milton’s prose metaphor, drawn from Osiris;
But, as Cicero says he won’t say this or that
(A fetch, I must say, most transparent and flat),
After saying whate’er he could possibly think of,—­
I simply will state that I pause on the brink of
A mire, ankle-deep, of deliberate confusion, 350
Made up of old jumbles of classic allusion: 
So, when you were thinking yourselves to be pitied,
Just conceive how much harder your teeth you’d have gritted,
An ’twere not for the dulness I’ve kindly omitted.

I’d apologize here for my many digressions. 
Were it not that I’m certain to trip into fresh ones
(’Tis so hard to escape if you get in their mesh once);
Just reflect, if you please, how ’tis said by Horatius,
That Maeonides nods now and then, and, my gracious! 
It certainly does look a little bit ominous 360
When he gets under way with ton d’apameibomenos. 
(Here a something occurs which I’ll just clap a rhyme to,
And say it myself, ere a Zoilus have time to,—­
Any author a nap like Van Winkle’s may take,
If he only contrive to keep readers awake,
But he’ll very soon find himself laid on the shelf,
If they fall a-nodding when he nods himself.)

Once for all, to return, and to stay, will I, nill I—­
When Phoebus expressed his desire for a lily,
Our Hero, whose homoeopathic sagacity 370
With an ocean of zeal mixed his drop of capacity,
Set off for the garden as fast as the wind
(Or, to take a comparison more to my mind,
As a sound politician leaves conscience behind). 
And leaped the low fence, as a party hack jumps
O’er his principles, when something else turns up trumps.