“I beg pardon,” said the Chairman, promptly—­“you will do nothing of the sort.  You were not present during the whole of the witness’s
       * * * * *
I could have wept!  The momentary search for sandwiches and sherry had ruined me!  Eton and Grosvenor Place vanished together (in the carriage and pair) for ever!

Pump-Handle Court. (Signed) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.

* * * * *

OLLENDORFF IN LONDON;

OR, THE COCKNEY’S FAMILIAR PHRASE-BOOK.

NO.  I.—­AT THE ESTATE AGENT’S.

Have you some nice houses to let furnished?—­Here is our Catalogue, Sir.—­I perceive that most of these are Queen Anne houses; “sanitation perfect;” where is the satisfactory explanation of the fine advertisement?—­It is in Spain with the other castles (idiom).—­What is “Queen Anne"?—­Victoria comes first, Elizabeth second, but Queen Anne is (the) last.—­Is then sanitation also something?—­It is the little game of the big builder; it is all your (my, his, her,) eyes.—­Can we have some nice furniture?—­You can have (the furniture of) Chippendale, Sheraton, M’Adam, or Louis-Quinze.—­It is too dear.—­No, Sir; my brother bought it yesterday of the clever carpenter.—­I was done by you or by your brother; I require a room for my mother-in-law (neuter).—­The good mother-in-law sleeps in the chamber of boxes (box-room), but the evil mother-in-law prefers the best bed-room.—­How many persons are you?—­We are sixteen.—­You are, indeed, suited, Sir; it is an eight-roomed house.—­Is not the noble drawing-room smaller than we have a mind to?—­On the contrary, it is very lofty.  There is room near the chandelier.—­Where is the “moderate-sized garden"?—­It is on the leads with the broken flower-pots, the capital smuts, and the industrious cats (masculine or feminine).—­Is it then much larger than a postage-stamp?—­Decidedly not, Sir.  It is also nearly as sticky.  Much rain produces weeds.—­Where are “the bath-rooms”?  I only perceived a watering-pot.—­Any rooms in which you put baths, are bath-rooms.—­What is then the price?—­The exorbitant client of the first-class agent demands four hundred guineas for the season.—­It is too much.—­He would take less in some minutes; but my commission will rest the same.—­Here are “Commanding mansions,” “Bijou maisonettes,” and “Desirable residences.”—­It is not difficult; the mansion that has a back-staircase is commanding, the “Bijou” is for the newly-married, or the actress, but the “Desirable residence” is what you desire.—­What is then the “square hall"?—­It is neither round nor oblong; therefore it is square.  It is likewise in a square.—­Is it geometrically the same as the Bridge of Asses?—­I do not know.  Sir.—­Where is the capital accommodation for the poor servants?—­It resembles the dark kennel of the sad dog.—­What are dilapidations and electric light?—­The first, Sir, is what you break; the second is what breaks