Title:  Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, April 11, 1891

Author:  Various

Release Date:  August 25, 2004 [EBook #13283]

Language:  English

Character set encoding:  ASCII

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PUNCH,

Or the London charivari.

Vol. 100.

April 11, 1891.

MR. PUNCH’S PRIZE NOVELS.

No.  XVI.—­GERMFOOD.

(BY Mary morally, AUTHOR OF “GINBITTERS!” “ARDART,” &C., &C.)

[The Ms. of this remarkable novel was tied round with scarlet ribbons, and arrived in a case which had been once used for the packing of bottles of rum, or some other potent spirit.  It is dedicated in highly uncomplimentary terms to “Messieurs les Marronneurs glaces de Paris.”  With it came a most extraordinary letter, from which we make, without permission, the following startling extracts.  “Ha!  Ha! likewise Fe Fo Fum.  I smell blood, galloping, panting, whirling, hurling, throbbing, maddened blood.  My brain is on fire, my pen is a flash of lightning.  I see stars, three stars, that is to say, one of the best brands plucked from the burning.  I’m going to make your flesh creep.  I’ll give you fits, paralytic fits, epileptic fits, and fits of hysteria, all at the same time.  Have I ever been in Paris?  Never.  Do I know the taste of absinthe?  How dare you ask me such a question?  Am I a woman?  Ask me another.  Ugh! it’s coming, the demon is upon me.  I must write three murderous volumes.  I must, I must!  What was that shriek? and that? and that?  Unhand me, snakes!  Oh!!!!—­M.M.”]

CHAPTER I.

[Illustration]

I was asleep and dreaming—­dreaming dreadful, horrible, soul-shattering dreams—­dreams that flung me head-first out of bed, and then flung me back into bed off the uncarpeted floor of my chamber.  But I did not wake—­why should I?—­it was unnecessary—­I wanted to dream—­I had to dream and therefore I dreamt.  I was walking home from a cheap restaurant in one of the poorer quarters of Paris.  “Poorer quarters” is a nice vague term.  There are many poorer quarters in a large city.  This was one of them.  Let that suffice to the critical pedants who clamour for accuracy and local colour.  Accuracy! pah!  Shall the soaring soul of a three-volumer be restrained by the debasing fetters of a grovelling exactitude?  Never!  I will tell you what.  If I choose, I who speak to you, moi qui vous parle, the Seine shall run red with the blood of murdered priests,