* * * * *

[Illustration:  THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNWRITTEN.

Proud Father (reading his Son’s School Report).  “MANNERS VULGAR—­VERY VULGAR.  BUT PERHAPS THIS IS HEREDITARY!”]

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House, of Commons, Monday, June 29.—­Early promise of JAMES BAIN, Knight, begins to be realised.  Created profound sensation on night he took his seat, by walking about with his hat on.  SPEAKER down on him with swift stern reproof.  BAIN couldn’t make out what all the bother was about.  Seeing a friend on Bench below him, thought he would go and have a chat with him.  Members seated all about had their hats on; he had cautiously mounted his without reproof, and now, when he moved three steps with his hat on, Members howled, “Order! order!” and SPEAKER joined in the cry.  Six or seven Members having explained to him that though a Member may wear his hat when seated, the stability of the Constitution is imperilled if he does not uncover when he moves, albeit a step, to the right or left, the new Member passed remainder of sitting in safety.

[Illustration:  Barran de Leeds.]

Next night in his place when BARTLEY was speaking from corner seat below Gangway, BAIN on top Bench behind.  Thought he would stroll out.  Not going to be caught again moving about with his hat on.  Carefully took it off, and holding it firmly in right hand, walked with springy steps down Gangway and, crossing between BARTLEY and the Chair, made for the door.  As he emerged in full view, there went up from a hundred throats such a howl of indignation that BAIN stood stock still; stared round with look of astonishment.  Were they howling at him?  No doubt about it.  SPEAKER also calling “Order! order!” in those thrillingly solemn tones.  What had he done now? hat in his hand; could someone else’s by any chance have got on his head?  Passed his left hand over massive brow.  No, all right.  Best thing to do would be to get off premises as quickly as possible.  So BAIN bolted.

“My dear fellow,” said BARRAN, running after him, “you know you mustn’t do that any more.  You’re a young man, and I’m an old one.  I know all the ropes in this machine.  When you want anything ask me.”

“Well,” said BAIN, “since you are so kind, I’d like to ask you what I’ve done now?”

“Done?” cried BARRAN, “why you’ve crossed between a Member on his legs and the Chair.  If you wanted to go out, you should have gone round by the back of the Bench.”

After this BAIN disappeared for some days.  Getting coached up in Parliamentary practice.  Back to-night and made maiden speech.  Quite delightful; button-holed House as it were; informed Members he was sent there with a mandate; incidentally mentioned that he was a Magistrate in several counties; waved his arm in defiance of School Board and sat down, after declaiming, with much animation, a new and original peroration.  “Gentlemen,” he said,—­“I mean Mr. SPEAKER, I’m for the Bill, the whole Bill, and nothing but the Bill.”