changed. If she had broken with him a week ago,
he would have found easy consolation in the list,
but now it was not women, but a woman that he desired.
A mere sexual curiosity, and the artistic desire to
save a beautiful voice from being wasted, had given
way to a more personal emotion in which affection
was beginning. Looking at him, thinking over
what he had just said, unable to stifle the hope that
those women in the picture were the wise ones, she
heard life calling her. The art call and the
love call, subtly interwoven, were modulated now on
the violins now on the flutes of an invisible orchestra.
At the same moment his immeshed senses, like greedy
fish, swam hither and thither, perplexed and terrified,
finding no way of escape, and he dreaded lest he had
lost his balance and fallen into the net he had cast
so often. He had begun to see that she was afraid
of the sin, and not at all of him. She had never
asked him if he would always love her—that
she seemed to take for granted—and he had,
or fancied he had, begun to feel that he would never
cease to love her. He looked into the future
far enough to see that it would be she who would tire
of him, and that another would appear two or three
years hence who would appeal to her sensual imagination
just as he did to-day. She would strive to resist
it, she would argue with herself, but the enticing
illusion would draw her as in a silken net. He
was now engaged in the destruction of her moral scruples—in
other words, making the way easy for his successor.
They were in the gallery alone, and, taking her hand,
he considered in detail the trouble this liaison
would bring in its train. He no longer doubted
that she would go abroad with him sooner or later.
He hoped it would be sooner, for he had begun to perceive
the absurdity of his visits to Dulwich. The question
was whether she was worth an exile in a foreign country.
He would have to devote himself to her and to her
interests. She would have a chaperon. There
would be no use in their openly living together—that
he could not stand. But at that moment the exquisite
happiness of seeing her every day, coming into the
room where she was reading or singing, and kissing
her as he leaned over her chair affectionately, as
a matter of course, deriving his enjoyment from the
prescriptive right to do so, and then talking to her
about ordinary affairs of life, came upon him suddenly
like a vision; and this imagined life was so intense
that for one moment it was equivalent to the reality.
He saw himself taking her home from the theatre at
night in the brougham. In the next instant they
were in the train going to Bayreuth. In the next
he saw her as Kundry rush on to the stage. He
felt that, whatever it cost him, that was the life
he must obtain. He felt that he could not live
if he did not acquire it, and so intense was the vision
that, unable to endure its torment, he got up and proposed
they should go into the garden and sit under the cedar.