Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 100, March 14, 1891 eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 43 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 100, March 14, 1891.

Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 100, March 14, 1891 eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 43 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 100, March 14, 1891.

    [Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends.

ACT II.—­The Scene represents a Field of Battle (after the fight) in the immediate neighbourhood of London. TOMMY ATKINS and the Military Instructor discovered lying badly wounded amidst a heap of the slain.  A European War having broken out suddenly, from which the Country could not escape, and the Fleet at the last moment, finding that it had only half its proper supply of guns, and that the very few of these which did not burst at the first shot had ammunition provided for them that was two sizes too large, the Country is invaded, while a Committee of Experts is still trying to settle on a suitable cartridge for the new Magazine Rifle.  The result is, that after a couple of pitched battles, though in an outburst of popular fury, Mr. STANHOPE is lynched by the Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, London capitulates, and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts, waited on by the LORD MAYOR, in the Bank of England.

Military Instructor (sitting up and rubbing his eyes).  Dear me! we seem to have been beaten.  That Rifle was no good, after all. (Recognising him.) Halloa, ATKINS!

Tommy Atkins (with a grin).  ’Ees, Sir!

Military Instructor.  You remember all I told you?

Tommy Atkins (still grinning).  ’Ees, Sir!

Military Instructor.  I’m afraid that wasn’t such a serviceable weapon, after all!

Tommy Atkins (still grinning).  Noa, Sir!

Military Instructor.  Dear me!  Well, we had better get out of this!  By Jove! it looks like the last Act!

[Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the Battle-field, the Military Instructor threatening to write to the “Times,” and TOMMY ATKINS still grinning as Curtain falls.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Sylvanus.  “FOXES ARE SCARCE IN MY COUNTRY; BUT WE MANAGE IT WITH A DRAG NOW AND THEN!”

Urbanus.  “OH—­ER—­YES.  BUT HOW DO YOU GET IT OVER THE FENCES?”]

* * * * *

UNDER A CIVIL COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.

    ["What possible chance would Col.  X., Member for ——­, feel
    that he had of fair play if he walked into the Opposition side
    in a Division?”—­Evening Paper.]

    SCENE—­A Battle-field.  Colonel X. discovered apparently dying
    in the hour of victory.

Faithful Aide-de-Camp.  The enemy run, Sir!  We have beaten them off on every side!

Colonel (faintly).  That is well! (with a sigh) and yet my heart is heavy within me!  Believe me, SMITH, I cannot die easily.

F.A.-de-C. And yet the vacancy thus created would be found a stimulus to promotion!  Have you thought of that, Sir?

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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 100, March 14, 1891 from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.