“But surely,” you will sympathetically observe, “you will expose them, you will insist on sharing in the reward of your labours—­it is a duty you owe to the public, as well as yourself!”

[Illustration:  “Slow rises worth by poverty depressed.”]

“So I’ve been told, Madam.  But what can I do?—­I’m a poor man.  ’Slow rises worth, by poverty depressed,’ as POPE, or GOLDSMITH—­for a similar idea occurs in both—­truly observes.  To put my case before the public as it ought to be put, I should first have to gain the ear of the Press—­and you want a golden key to do that, nowadays.  The Press is very reluctant to run down successful writers.  ’Hawks won’t pick out Awkses heyes,’ as BURNS remarks. (By this time you are probably fumbling for your purse, which, as usual, is at the bottom of your work-basket.) No, they will find me out some day—­after I’m dead and gone, most likely!  In the meantime I envy nobody.  I have the consciousness of Genius, and—­I’m sure your generosity is overwhelming, Madam—­I really never ventured to—­Pardon these tears; it is the first time my poor talents have ever obtained such recognition as this!  Could you crown your favours by giving me the names and addresses of any charitable friends and neighbours whom you think at all likely to follow your noble example?...  I thank you from my heart, Madam, and, when I succeed in recovering my literary in’eritance, and am called upon to issue a collected edition of my works, I shall take the liberty of inscribing on the title-page a dedication to the generous benefactress who first ’elped to restore my fallen fortunes!”

With this he seals his lips again with the respirator, pockets his documents and your donation, and bows himself gratefully out, leaving you to meditate on the unscrupulousness of popular Authors, and the ease with which a confiding public is hoodwinked.

* * * * *

M.P.  MANFIELD, M.P.

  Northampton’s new Member an honour can claim
    On which he need set little store: 
  He now has M.P. written after his name,
    But he always had M.P. before.

  If every M.P. in the lobby counts one,
    To the Ayes, or the Noes, walking through,
  Does logic demand, in each case, pro and con.,
    M.P.  MANFIELD, M.P., should count two?

* * * * *

CHANCE FOR SPINSTERS OF AN UNCERTAIN AGE.—­There is to be a Mahommedan Mission in England.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  “THE WATER BABIES AND THE ROYAL GODMOTHER.”]

* * * * *

BRAVO, BAGSHAWE!