THE WOMAN.  Perhaps you do not know that you are on the west coast of Ireland, and that it is the practice among natives of the Eastern Island to spend some years here to acquire mental flexibility.  The climate has that effect.

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [haughtily] I was born, not in the Eastern Island, but, thank God, in dear old British Baghdad; and I am not in need of a mental health resort.

THE WOMAN.  Then why are you here?

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN.  Am I trespassing?  I was not aware of it.

THE WOMAN.  Trespassing?  I do not understand the word.

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN.  Is this land private property?  If so, I make no claim.  I proffer a shilling in satisfaction of damage (if any), and am ready to withdraw if you will be good enough to shew me the nearest way. [He offers her a shilling].

THE WOMAN [taking it and examining it without much interest] I do not understand a single word of what you have just said.

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN.  I am speaking the plainest English.  Are you the landlord?

THE WOMAN [shaking her head] There is a tradition in this part of the country of an animal with a name like that.  It used to be hunted and shot in the barbarous ages.  It is quite extinct now.

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [breaking down again] It is a dreadful thing to be in a country where nobody understands civilized institutions. [He collapses on the bollard, struggling with his rising sobs].  Excuse me.  Hay fever.

THE WOMAN [taking a tuning-fork from her girdle and holding it to her ear; then speaking into space on one note, like a chorister intoning a psalm] Burrin Pier Galway please send someone to take charge of a discouraged shortliver who has escaped from his nurse male harmless babbles unintelligibly with moments of sense distressed hysterical foreign dress very funny has curious fringe of white sea-weed under his chin.

THE GENTLEMAN.  This is a gross impertinence.  An insult.

THE WOMAN [replacing her tuning-fork and addressing the elderly gentleman] These words mean nothing to me.  In what capacity are you here?  How did you obtain permission to visit us?

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [importantly] Our Prime Minister, Mr Badger Bluebin, has come to consult the oracle.  He is my son-in-law.  We are accompanied by his wife and daughter:  my daughter and granddaughter.  I may mention that General Aufsteig, who is one of our party, is really the Emperor of Turania travelling incognito.  I understand he has a question to put to the oracle informally.  I have come solely to visit the country.

THE WOMAN.  Why should you come to a place where you have no business?

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN.  Great Heavens, madam, can anything be more natural?  I shall be the only member of the Travellers’ Club who has set foot on these shores.  Think of that!  My position will be unique.