BURGE-LUBIN.  What I cant make out is that China is one of the worst governed countries on earth.

CONFUCIUS.  No.  It was badly governed twenty years ago; but since we forbade any Chinaman to take part in our public services, and imported natives of Scotland for that purpose, we have done well.  Your information here is always twenty years out of date.

BURGE-LUBIN.  People don’t seem to be able to govern themselves.  I cant understand it.  Why should it be so?

CONFUCIUS.  Justice is impartiality.  Only strangers are impartial.

BURGE-LUBIN.  It ends in the public services being so good that the Government has nothing to do but think.

CONFUCIUS.  Were it otherwise, the Government would have too much to do to think.

BURGE-LUBIN.  Is that any excuse for the English people electing a parliament of lunatics?

CONFUCIUS.  The English people always did elect parliaments of lunatics.  What does it matter if your permanent officials are honest and competent?

BURGE-LUBIN.  You do not know the history of this country.  What would my ancestors have said to the menagerie of degenerates that is still called the House of Commons?  Confucius:  you will not believe me; and I do not blame you for it; but England once saved the liberties of the world by inventing parliamentary government, which was her peculiar and supreme glory.

CONFUCIUS.  I know the history of your country perfectly well.  It proves the exact contrary.

BURGE-LUBIN.  How do you make that out?

CONFUCIUS.  The only power your parliament ever had was the power of withholding supplies from the king.

BURGE-LUBIN.  Precisely.  That great Englishman Simon de Montfort—­

CONFUCIUS.  He was not an Englishman:  he was a Frenchman.  He imported parliaments from France.

BURGE-LUBIN [surprised] You dont say so!

CONFUCIUS.  The king and his loyal subjects killed Simon for forcing his French parliament on them.  The first thing British parliaments always did was to grant supplies to the king for life with enthusiastic expressions of loyalty, lest they should have any real power, and be expected to do something.

BURGE-LUBIN.  Look here, Confucius:  you know more history than I do, of course; but democracy—­

CONFUCIUS.  An institution peculiar to China.  And it was never really a success there.

BURGE-LUBIN.  But the Habeas Corpus Act!

CONFUCIUS.  The English always suspended it when it threatened to be of the slightest use.

BURGE-LUBIN.  Well, trial by jury:  you cant deny that we established that?

CONFUCIUS.  All cases that were dangerous to the governing classes were tried in the Star Chamber or by Court Martial, except when the prisoner was not tried at all, but executed after calling him names enough to make him unpopular.

BURGE-LUBIN.  Oh, bother!  You may be right in these little details; but in the large we have managed to hold our own as a great race.  Well, people who could do nothing couldnt have done that, you know.