What houses are the easiest to break into?  The houses of bald people; because their locks are few.

Why is a watch the most difficult thing to steal?  Because it must be taken off its guard.

Why is there never anybody at home in a convent?  Because it is an (n) uninhabited place.

Why does a person who is not good looking make a better carpenter than one who is?  Because he is a deal plainer.

What is the best tree for preserving order?  The birch.

Why is shoemaking the easiest of trades?  Because the shoes are always soled before they are made.

What plant stands for No. 4?  IV.

How can a gardener become thrifty?  By making the most of his thyme, and by always putting some celery in the bank.

Why is it probable that beer was made in the ark?  Because the kangaroo went in with hops, and the bear was always bruin.

“What was the biggest thing you saw at the Panama Exposition?” asked a wife of her husband.  “My hotel bill!” said he.

Why is C like a schoolmistress?  Because it forms lasses into classes.

What is that which never asks any questions and yet requires many answers?  The street door.

If a man bumped his head against the top of a room, what article of stationery would he be supplies with?  Ceiling whacks (sealing-wax).

Which is the oldest tree in the country?  The elder tree.

Which is the longest word in the English language?  Smiles; because there is a mile between the first and last letters.

What is that which happens twice in a moment and not once in a thousand years?  The letter M.

How many sides are there to a tree?  Two, inside and out.

What sea would a man most like to be in on a wet day?  A dry attic (Adriatic).

Why is coffee like an axe with a dull edge?  Because it must be ground before it is used.

What is the difference between a bottle of medicine and a troublesome boy?  One is to be well shaken before taken, and the other is to be taken and then shaken.

What makes more noise than a pig under a gate?  Two pigs.

When is a door not a door?  When it is a-jar.

What is the difference between a naughty boy and a postage stamp?  Because one you stick with a lick, and the other you lick with a stick.

Why did William Tell shudder when he shot the apple from his son’s head?  Because it was an arrow escape for his child.

What is that which the more you take from it the larger it grows?  A hole.

What is the best land for little kittens?  Lapland.

Why should a man always wear a watch when he travels in a waterless desert?  Because every watch has a spring in it.

Of what trade is the sun?  A tanner.

What relation is a doormat to a door?  Step-fa(r)ther.

What is that which you cannot hold ten minutes, although it is as light as a feather?  Your breath.