The boatswain ate the kitten, first, he said, because he had “larned” to eat cats in Spain; secondly, because she had not died a natural death (I thought otherwise); and his last reason was more singular than either of the others:  he had seen a picture in a church in Spain, of Peter’s vision of the animals let down in the sheet, and there was a cat among them.  Observing an alarm of scepticism in my eye, he thought proper to confirm his assertion with an oath.

“Might it not have been a rabbit?” said I.

“Rabbit, sir; d——­n me, think I didn’t know a cat from a rabbit?  Why one has got short ears and long tail, and t’other has got wicee wersee, as we calls it.”

A grand carnival masquerade was to be given at Minorca in honour of the English, and the place chosen for the exhibition was a church; all which was perfectly consistent with the Romish faith.  I went in the character of a fool, and met many brother officers there.  It was a comical sight to see the anomalous groups stared at by the pictures of the Virgin Mary and all the saints, whose shrines were lit up for the occasion with wax tapers.  The admiral, rear-admiral, and most of the captains and officers of the fleet were present; the place was about a mile from the town.

Having hired a fool’s dress, I mounted that very appropriate animal—­a donkey, and set off amidst the shouts of a thousand dirty vagabonds.  On my arrival, I began to show off in somersaults, leaps, and all kinds of practical jokes.  The manner in which I supported the character drew a little crowd around me.  I never spoke to an admiral or captain unless he addressed me first; and then I generally sold him a bargain.  Being very well acquainted with the domestic economy of the ships on the station, a martinet asked me if I would enter for his ship.  “No,” said I, “you would give me three dozen for not lashing up my hammock properly.”  “Come with me,” said another.  “No,” said I, “your bell-rope is too short—­you cannot reach it to order another bottle of wine before all the officers have left your table.”  Another promised me kind treatment and plenty of wine.  “No,” said I, “in your ship I should be coals at Newcastle; besides, your coffee is too weak, your steward only puts one ounce into six cups.”

These hits afforded a good deal of mirth among the crowd, and even the admiral himself honoured me with a smile.  I bowed respectfully to his lordship, who merely said—­“What do you want of me, fool?” “Oh, nothing at all, my lord,” said I, “I have only a small favour to ask of you.”  “What is that?” said the admiral.  “Only to make me a captain, my lord.”  “Oh, no,” said the admiral, “we never make fools captains.”  “No” said I, clapping my arms akimbo in a very impertinent manner, “then that, I suppose, is a new regulation.  How long has the order in council been out?”

The good-humoured old chief laughed heartily at this piece of impertinence; but the captain whose ship I had so recently quitted was silly enough to be offended:  he found me out, and went and complained of me to my captain the next day; but my captain only laughed at him, said he thought it an excellent joke, and invited me to dinner.