The office of caterer was one of neither honour nor emolument, and it was voluntarily taken up, and peevishly laid down, on the first trifling provocation.  With the ship’s allowance, no being, less than an angel, could have given satisfaction.  The division of beef and pork into as many parcels as there were claimants, always produced remonstrance, reproof, and blows.  I was never quarrelsome, and took the part allotted to me quietly enough, until, they finding my disposition to submit, I found my portion daily decrease, and on the resignation of the thirteenth caterer, I volunteered my services, which were gladly accepted.

Aware of the danger and difficulty of my situation, I was prepared accordingly.  On the first day that I shared the provisions, I took very good care of number one, and, as I had foreseen, was attacked by two or three for my lion-like division of the prey.  Upon this, I made them a short speech, observing, that if they supposed I meant to take the trouble of catering for nothing, they were very much mistaken; that the small difference I made between their portions and mine, if equally divided among them, would not fill a hollow tooth, and that, after my own share, all others should be distributed with the most rigid impartiality, and scrupulous regard to justice.

This very reasonable speech did not satisfy them.  I was challenged to decide the point a la Cribb; two candidates for the honour stepped out at once.  I desired them to toss up; and having soon defeated the winner, I recommended him to return to his seat.  The next man came forward, hoping to find an easy victory, after the fatigue of a recent battle; but he was mistaken, and retired with severe chastisement.  The next day I took my seat, cleared for action—­coat, waistcoat, and neckcloth off.  I observed that I should proceed as I had done before, and was ready to hold a court of Oyer and Terminer; but no suitors appeared, and I held the office of caterer from that day till I quitted the ship, by the strongest of all possible claims—­first, by election; and, secondly, by right of conquest.

We had not been many days at sea, before we discovered that our first lieutenant was a most abominable tyrant, a brutal fellow, a drunkard, and a glutton, with a long red nose, and a large belly; he frequently sent half-a-dozen grown-up midshipmen to the mast-head at a time.  This man I determined to turn out of the ship, and mentioned my intention to my messmates, promising them success if they would only follow my advice.  They quite laughed at the idea; but I was firm, and told them that it should come to pass, if they would but behave so ill as just to incur a slight punishment or reprimand from “Nosey” every day; this they agreed to; and not a day passed but they were either mast-headed, or put watch and watch.

They reported all to me, and asked my advice.  “Complain to the captain,” said I. They did, and were told that the first lieutenant had done his duty.  The same causes produced the same effects on each succeeding day; and when the midshipmen complained, they had no redress.  By my direction, they observed to the captain, “It is of no use complaining, sir; you always take Mr Clewline’s part.”  The captain, indeed, from a general sense of propriety, gave his support to the ward-room officers, knowing that, nine times in ten, midshipmen were in the wrong.