it
Crabs stewed in milk and salad offered up
With dressing so unholily compound
That it included flour and sugar!  Yea,
I’ve eaten dog there!—­dog, as I’m a man,
Dog seethed in sewage of the town!  No more—­
Thy hand, Dyspepsia, assumes the pen
And scrawls a tortured “Finis” on the page.

THE MACKAIAD

Mackay’s hot wrath to Bonynge, direful spring
Of blows unnumbered, heavenly goddess, sing—­
That wrath which hurled to Hellman’s office floor
Two heroes, mutually smeared with gore,
Whose hair in handfuls marked the dire debate,
And riven coat-tails testified their hate. 
Sing, muse, what first their indignation fired,
What words augmented it, by whom inspired.

First, the great Bonynge comes upon the scene
And asks the favor of the British Queen. 
Suppliant he stands and urges all his claim: 
His wealth, his portly person and his name,
His habitation in the setting sun,
As child of nature; and his suit he won. 
No more the Sovereign, wearied with his plea,
From slumber’s chain her faculties can free. 
Low and more low the royal eyelids creep,
She gives the assenting nod and falls asleep. 
Straightway the Bonynges all invade the Court
And telegraph the news to every port. 
Beneath the seas, red-hot, the tidings fly,
The cables crinkle and the fishes fry! 
The world, awaking like a startled bat,
Exclaims:  “A Bonynge?  What the devil’s that?”
Mackay, meanwhile, to envy all attent,
Untaught to spare, unable to relent,
Walks in our town on needles and on pins,
And in a mean, revengeful spirit—­grins!

Sing, muse, what next to break the peace occurred—­
What act uncivil, what unfriendly word? 
The god of Bosh ascending from his pool,
Where since creation he has played the fool,
Clove the blue slush, as other gods the sky,
And, waiting but a moment’s space to dry,
Touched Bonynge with his finger-tip.  “O son,”
He said, “alike of nature and a gun,
Knowest not Mackay’s insufferable sin? 
Hast thou not heard that he doth stand and grin? 
Arise! assert thy manhood, and attest
The uncommercial spirit in thy breast. 
Avenge thine honor, for by Jove I swear
Thou shalt not else be my peculiar care!”
He spake, and ere his worshiper could kneel
Had dived into his slush pool, head and heel. 
Full of the god and to revenges nerved,
And conscious of a will that never swerved,
Bonynge set sail:  the world beyond the wave
As gladly took him as the other gave. 
New York received him, but a shudder ran
Through all the western coast, which knew the man;
And science said that the seismic action
Was owing to an asteroid’s impaction.