“WELL, I MUST HAVE IT.  IF YOU WON’T, I SHALL GO AND BET!’]

* * * * *

THEORY AND PRACTICE.

(TO BE REPRESENTED DURING THE PERFORMANCE OF THE CHRISTMAS PANTOMIME.)

    SCENE—­Interior of Private Box.  Grandfather and Grandchildren
    discovered listening to the Overture.  Father and Mother in
    attendance.

Grandfather.  Yes, my dears, I am glad to say that the afterpart is not to be discontinued.  You are to see the Clown, and the Pantaloon, and the Columbine, and the Harlequin.

[Illustration:  Peg-Top after seeing a Pantomime.]

Chorus of Grandchildren.  Oh!  Oh, won’t that be delicious!

Grandfather.  Yes, my dears, you will see the regular old-fashioned comic business that used to delight me when I was a boy.  I remember when I was about your age, my dears, seeing TOM MATHEWS, and it was so amusing.  He used to sing a song—­

Chorus (interrupting as the Curtain rises).  Hush, Grandpa! it’s going to begin! (The party subside, and direct their attention to twenty sets or so of the most magnificent scenery, illustrated by gorgeous Processions.  The hands of the clock revolve, leaving Eight and reaching Eleven, when Grand Transformation takes place, amidst various coloured fires.  Then enter Old Christmas Clown.)

Old Christmas Clown.  Here we are again!  How are you to-morrow?

Chorus of Children.  Oh, we are so tired!  And we have heard that before!

Mother.  And I am afraid we shall miss our train.

Father.  And the roads are so bad!

Grandfather.  Well, well, perhaps we had better go; but in my time we all used to enjoy it so much. (Aside.) And perhaps, after all, the red-hot poker business is rather stale at the end of the Nineteenth Century!

    [Exeunt the Party, plus five-sixths of the Audience.

* * * * *

VOCES POPULI.

A CHRISTMAS ROMP.

SCENE—­Mrs. CHIPPERFIELD’s Drawing-room.  It is after the Christmas dinner, and the Gentlemen have not yet appeared.  Mrs. C. is laboriously attempting to be gracious to her Brother’s Fiancee, whose acquaintance she has made for the first time, and with whom she is disappointed.  Married Sisters and Maiden Aunts confer in corners with a sleepy acidity.

First Married Sister (to Second).  I felt quite sorry for FRED, to see him sitting there, looking—­and no wonder—­so ashamed of himself—­but I always will say, and I always must say, CAROLINE, that if you and ROBERT had been firmer with him when he was younger, he would never have turned out so badly!  Now, there’s my GEORGE—­&c., &c.

[Illustration]