(a) A soldier, wheeling a wheelbarrow and balancing a swill-tub on his head, meets an officer walking out in review dress.

Correct Procedure.—­The soldier will immediately cant the swill-tub to an angle of forty-five degrees at a distance of one and a half inches above his right eyebrow. (In the case of Rifle Regiments the soldier will balance the swill-tub on his nose.) He will then invite the officer, by a smart movement of the left ear, to seat himself on the wheelbarrow.

Correct Acknowledgment.—­The officer will comply, placing his feet upon the right and left hubs of the wheel respectively, with the ball of the toe in each case at a distance of one inch (when serving abroad, 2-1/2 centimetres) from the centre of gravity of the wheelbarrow. (In the case of Rifle Regiments the officer will tie his feet in a knot at the back of his neck.) The soldier will then advance six paces, after which the officer will dismount and go home and have a bath.

(b) A soldier, with his arm round a lady’s waist in the gloaming, encounters an officer.

Correct Procedure.—­The soldier will salute with his disengaged arm.  The lady will administer a sharp tap with the end of her umbrella to the officer’s tunic, at point one inch above the lowest button.

Correct Acknowledgment.—­The officer will take the end of the umbrella firmly in his right hand, and will require the soldier to introduce him to the lady.  He will then direct the soldier to double back to barracks.

(c) A party of soldiers, seated upon the top of a transport waggon, see an officer passing at the side of the road.

Correct Procedure.—­The senior N.C.O. (or if no N.C.O. be present, the oldest soldier) will call the men to attention, and the party, taking their time from the right, will spit upon the officer’s head in a soldier-like manner.

Correct Acknowledgment.—­The officer will break into a smart trot.

(d) A soldier, driving an officer’s motor-car without the knowledge of the officer, encounters the officer in a narrow country lane.

Correct Procedure.—­The soldier will open the throttle to its full extent and run the officer over.

Correct Acknowledgment.—­No acknowledgment is required.

NOTE.—­None of the above compliments will be paid upon active service.

Unfortunately the Colonel came home from dining out sooner than was expected, and found this outrageous document still upon the notice-board.  But he was a good Colonel.  He merely remarked approvingly—­

“H’m.  Quite so! Non semper arcum tendit Apollo.  It’s just as well to keep smiling these days.”

Nevertheless, Mr. Waddell made a point in future, when in need of information, of seeking the same from a less inspired source than Captain Wagstaffe.

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