“’Sophomore Exhibition furnished many cases.  One man hit by a Soph-bug, drove eye down into stomach, carrying with it brains and all inside of the head.  In order to draw them back to their proper place, your Surgeon caused a leaf from Barnum’s Autobiography to be placed on patient’s head, thinking that to contain more true, genuine suction than anything yet discovered.

* * * * *

“’Nebraska cancers have appeared in our ranks, especially in Missouri division.  Surgeon recommends 385 eighty-pounders be loaded to the muzzle, first with blank cartridges,—­to wit, Frank Pierce and Stephen A. Douglas, Free-Soil sermons, Fern Leaves, Hot Corn, together with all the fancy literature of the day,—­and cause the same to be fired upon the disputed territory; this would cause all the breakings out to be removed, and drive off everybody.’

“The close of the report was as follows.  It affected many even to tears.

“’May you all remember your Surgeon, and may your thoracic duck ever continue to sail peacefully down the common carrotted arteries, under the keystone of the arch of the aorta, and not rush madly into the abominable cavity and eclipse the semi-lunar dandelions, nor, still worse, play the dickens with the pneumogastric nerve and auxiliary artery, reverse the doododen, upset the flamingo, irritate the high-old-glossus, and be for ever lost in the receptaculum chyli.  No, no, but, &c.  Yours feelingly,

‘Dr. E.L.T.C.O., M.D.’

“Dr. O., we notice, has added a new branch, that of dentistry, to his former accomplishments.  By his new system, his customers are not obliged to undergo the pain of the operations in person, but, by merely sending their heads to him, can have everything done with a great decrease of trouble.  From a calf’s head thus sent in, the Doctor, after cutting the gums with a hay-cutter, and filing between the teeth with a wood-saw, skilfully extracted with a pair of blacksmith tongs a very great number of molars and incisors.

“Miss Lucy Amazonia Crura Longa Lignea, thirteen feet high, and Mr. Rattleshanks Don Skyphax, a swain a foot taller, advanced from the ranks, and were made one by the chaplain.  The bride promised to own the groom, but protested formally against his custody of her person, property, and progeny.  The groom pledged himself to mend the unmentionables of his spouse, or to resign his own when required to rock the cradle, and spank the babies.  He placed no ring upon her finger, but instead transferred his whiskers to her face, when the chaplain pronounced them ‘wife and man,’ and the happy pair stalked off, their heads on a level with the second-story windows.

“Music from the Keeseville Band who were present followed; the flying artillery fired another salute; the fife and drums struck up; and the Invincibles took their winding way to the University, where they were disbanded in good season.”