“What is it, John?” said Sarrah with a smirk.

“I ’ope ye won’t be ’fended, Sarrah,” said John, more agitated than ever, “but it is—­er—­er—­it is five of ’em.”

“Five of wat?” asked Sarrah.

“Five children!” blurted out John desperately, anticipating a scene.  “I didn’t tell ye I ’ad children—­five of ’em.”

Sarrah took the news quite calmly; in fact, she appeared relieved.

“Oh, well, John,” she said, “that do make it easier for me to tell ye.  Five is not so bad as me, watever.  Seven I ’ave got!”

“Wat!” howled John.

“Seven,” repeated Sarrah composedly.  “That is my weddin’ present to ye, John.”

His Only Chance

“Is there a man in all this audience,” demanded the female lecturer on woman’s rights, “that has ever done anything to lighten the burden on his wife’s shoulders?  What do you know of woman’s work?  Is there a man here,” she continued, folding her arms, and looking over the assembly with superb scorn, “that has ever got up in the morning, leaving his tired, worn-out wife to enjoy her slumbers, gone quietly downstairs, made the fire, cooked his own breakfast, sewed the missing buttons on the children’s clothes, darned the family stockings, scoured the pots and kettles, cleaned and filled the lamps, and done all this, if necessary, day after day, uncomplainingly?  If there be such a man in this audience let him rise up!  I should really like to see him!”

And, in the rear of the hall, a mild-looking man in spectacles, in obedience to the summons, timidly arose.  He was the husband of the eloquent speaker.  It was the first time he had ever had a chance to assert himself.

He Saw Them, All Right

Two officers were sent to arrest a Quaker; his wife met them at the door and said, “Walk in, gentlemen; my husband will see thee.”

After waiting some time they got impatient and called the woman, saying, “You said we should see your husband presently.”

“No, friend,” she replied; “I said he would see thee—­he did see thee, did not like thy looks, and went out by the back door.”

An Easy Way to Stop It

William Penn was once urging a man he knew to stop drinking to excess, when the man suddenly asked: 

“Can you tell me of an easy way to do it?”

“Yes,” Penn replied readily, “it is just as easy as to open thy hand, friend.”

“Convince me of that,” the man exclaimed, “and I will promise upon my honor to do as you tell me.”

“Well, my friend,” Penn answered, “whenever thee finds a glass of liquor in thy hand, open that hand before the glass touches thy lips, and thee will never drink to excess again.”

The man was so struck by the simplicity of the great Quaker’s advice that he followed it and reformed.

What Brought Them?

A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning.  At last she made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive at the schoolhouse the next morning.  At sunrise the largest three boys of her class were sitting on the doorstep of the schoolhouse, and by six o’clock every boy in the school and four of the directors were waiting for her to arrive.