“No, no, Catherine.  You are past me now.  I have nothing more to do with your marriage.”

“That aises me mind,” said Catherine, “and God bless your riverence.  There’s the ticket for your hat.  I picked it up in the lobby and pawned it.”

An Addition to the Catechism

An enterprising superintendent was engaged one Sunday in catechizing the Sunday-school pupils, varying the usual method by beginning at the end of the catechism.

After asking what were the prerequisites for the Holy Communion and confirmation, and receiving satisfactory replies, he asked: 

“And now, boys, tell me what must precede baptism?”

A lively urchin shouted out:  “A baby, sir!”

No Two Ways About It

A colored preacher who had only a small share of this world’s goods, and whose salary was not forthcoming on several occasions, became exasperated.  At his morning service he spoke to his church members thusly: 

“Bredern and sistern, things is not as should be.  You ’must not ‘spects I can preach on u’th an’ boa’d in Heben.”

The Maid Knew a Thing or Two

“Madam,” said the book-agent as the door was opened by a very comely maid, “I am selling a new book on etiquette and deportment.”

“Oh, you are,” she responded.  “Go down there on the grass and clean the mud off your feet.”

“Yes’m,” and he went.  “As I was saying, ma’am,” he continued as he again came to the door, “I am sell——­”

“Take off your hat!  Never address a strange lady at her door without removing your hat.”

“Yes’m.”  And off went the hat.  “Now, then, as I was saying——­”

“Take your hands out of your pockets.  No gentleman ever carries his hands there.”

“Yes’m,” and his hands clutched at his coat lapels.  “Now, ma’am, this work on eti——­”

“Throw out your cud.  If a gentleman uses tobacco he is careful not to disgust others by the habit.”

“Yes’m,” and the tobacco disappeared.  “Now, ma’am,” as he wiped his brow, “in calling your attention to this valuable——­”

“Wait.  Put that dirty handkerchief out of sight.  I don’t want your book.  I am only the hired girl.  You can come in, however, and talk with the lady of the house.  She called me a liar this morning and I think she needs something of the kind.”

Under Similar Conditions

“Speaking of men falling in love and ardently pursuing the object of their affections, you needn’t make fun of any one, John.  You were bound to have me, but you can’t say I ever ran after you.”

“Very true, Anastasia, the trap never runs after the rat, but it gathers him in all the same.”

His First Move

A bashful cowboy, returning from the plains to civilized society after an absence of several years, fell desperately in love at first sight with a pretty young girl whom he met at a party.