“Not much, Maria,” said John, with tremendous earnestness.  “Not if I know it.  I don’t mind spending three dollars on you if you feel bad, but I ain’t a-goin’ to have you made into any of these here new women, gaddin’ about the city to women’s clubs and savin’ the country that don’t need savin’.  You jest mix up some sulphur and molasses and take it, and you will feel better, but don’t let me hear no more of this new-woman nonsense.”

Watch and Pray

A pompous old Bishop was one morning breakfasting at a country inn where it had been his lot to spend the night.  As he approached the table he found at his place a fine trout well cooked and tempting.  He closed his eyes to say his grace before meat, not noticing a Quaker gentleman seated opposite, who, with a mischievous smile, reached over quickly and scooped the fish over to his own plate.

Having finished his prayer the Bishop opened his eyes and prepared to enjoy the trout, but to his surprise and dismay it had disappeared.

The jolly Quaker, eying the Bishop, at the same time demolishing the trout, said with feigned solemnity: 

“Bishop, thee must ‘watch and pray’—­’watch and pray.’”

No Doubt About That

The fresh spring breezes were blowing through the open windows of the schoolroom, and George Washington was the momentous question in hand.

“Why do you think George Washington was the first man?” asked the teacher.

“Because he was ’first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.’”

Another boy then raised his hand.

“Well, Johnny, who do you think was the first man?” said the teacher.

“Don’t know his name,” answered Johnny, “but I know George Washington was not the first man, ’cause my history says he married a widow, so there must have been a man ahead of him.”

All’s Fair in Love

A poor couple went to the priest for marriage, and were met with a demand for the marriage fee.  It was not forthcoming.  Both the consenting parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but destitute of financial resources.  The father was obdurate.  “No money, no marriage.”

“Give me l’ave, your riverence,” said the blushing bride, “to go and get the money.”

It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising a marriage fee out of pure nothing.  After a short interval she returned with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed to the satisfaction of all.  When the parting was taking place the newly-made wife seemed a tittle uneasy.

“Anything on your mind, Catherine ?” said the father.

“Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage could not be spoiled now.”

“Certainly not, Catherine.  No man can put you asunder.”

“Could you not do it yourself, father?  Could you not spoil the marriage?”