“Hello, Stone, how are Mrs. Stone and all the little pebbles?”

“Fine,” said Mr. Stone, “all well, thank you,” and then, with a twinkle in his eye:  “How are Mrs. Wood and all the little splinters?”

She Didn’t Sleep Well

A woman who lives in an inland town, while going to a convention in a distant city spent one night of the journey on board a steamboat.  It was the first time she had ever traveled by water.  She reached her journey’s end extremely fatigued.  To a friend who remarked it she replied: 

“Yes, I’m tired to death.  I don’t know as I care to travel by water again.  I read the card in my stateroom about how to put the life-preserver on, and I thought I understood it; but I guess I didn’t.  Somehow, I couldn’t go to sleep with the thing on.”

They Planned a Little Surprise for Him

On a west-bound train scheduled for a long trip a very large, muscular man fell asleep and annoyed all the passengers by snoring tremendously.  Reading, conversation or quiet rest was an impossibility.  Finally a drummer, carrying half a lemon in his hand, tiptoed over to a little boy who sat behind the snorer.

“Son,” said the drummer impressively, “I am a doctor, and if that man doesn’t stop snoring he’ll die of apoplexy.  Watch your chance, and as soon as his mouth opens a little wider, lean over and squeeze this lemon into it.”

He Knew Only One

A teacher had been telling her class of boys that recently worms had become so numerous that they destroyed the crops, and it was necessary to import the English sparrow to exterminate them.  The sparrows multiplied very fast and were gradually driving away our native birds.

Johnny was apparently very inattentive, and the teacher, thinking to catch him napping, said;

“Johnny, which is worse, to have worms or sparrows?”

Johnny hesitated a moment and then replied: 

“Please, I never had the sparrows.”

He Proved It Was Logical

A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to the court: 

“Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at all.  He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right arm and removed a few trifling articles.  Now, my client’s arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by only one of his limbs.”

“That argument,” said the judge, “is very well put.  Following it logically, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment.  He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer’s assistance unscrewed his cork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out.

The Old Man Knew Best

“I took three bottles of your medicine, and I feel like a new woman,” read the testimonial.  “John,” she said in a shrill, piping voice, “I think this is exactly what I need.  I have been feeling bad for quite a spell back, and the lady was symptomated just exactly as I feel.  I believe I will try three bottles and see if it will make a new woman out of me.”