The tailor’s sign in a little inland town was an apple, simply an apple.  The people were amazed at it.  They came in crowds to the tailor, asking him what on earth the meaning of the sign was.

The tailor with a complacent smile replied: 

“If it hadn’t been for an apple where would the clothing business be today?”

It Looked That Way

“Is Mike Clancy here?” asked the visitor at the quarry, just after the premature explosion.

“No, sor,” replied Costigan; “he’s gone.”

“For good?”

“Well, sor, he wint in that direction.”

Music Touched His Heart

A thief broke into a Madison Avenue mansion early the other morning and found himself in the music-room.  Hearing footsteps approaching, he took refuge behind a screen.

From eight to nine o’clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson.

From nine to ten o’clock the second daughter took a piano lesson.

From ten to eleven o’clock the eldest son had a violin lesson.

From eleven to twelve o’clock the other son had a lesson on the flute.

At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studied an ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and flute.

The thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five, and falling at their feet, cried: 

“For Heaven’s sake, have me arrested!”

Some Amusing Blunders

A divine in drawing the attention of his congregation to a special communion service on the following Sunday informed them that “the Lord is with us in the forenoon and the Bishop in the evening.”

A Scotch minister innocently, perhaps, hit the mark by telling his people, “Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and as we have failed to get money honestly we will have to see what a bazar can do for us.”

There is a certain amount of excuse to be made for the young curate who, remarking that some people came to church for no better reason than to show off their best clothes, finished up as he glanced over his audience, “I am thankful to see, dear friends, that none of you has come here for that reason.”

A negro student when conducting the prayers at one of the great missionary colleges, said, “Give us all pure hearts, give us all clean hearts, give us all sweet hearts,” to which the entire congregation made response, “Amen.”

The giving-out of church notices has often proved a pitfall for the unwary.  “During Lent,” said a rector lately, “several preachers will preach on Wednesday evenings, but I need not give their names, as they will be all found hanging up in the porch.”

They Come High—­But

A stranger in New York asked a newsboy to direct him to a certain bank, promising him half a dollar for it.  The boy took him about three doors away and there was the bank.  Paying the fee, the man said, “That was half a dollar easily earned, son.”