“Yes”—­with increasing wonder—­“and it has never been out of this parlor.”

“There are no other young ladies in this house?”

“No; there are not.”

“Then why—­why, when I k-kissed your photograph in yonder album, while waiting for you, did that wretched bird imitate your voice and say:  ‘Don’t do that, Herbert, please don’t!’”

The Safest Place

A city gentleman was recently invited down to the country for “a day with the birds.”  His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the great disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generally regulated by the size of the bag.

“Dear me!” at last exclaimed the sportsman, “but the birds seem exceptionally strong on the wing this year.”

“Not all of ’em, sir,” was the answer.  “You’ve shot at the same bird about a dozen times.  ‘E’s a-follerin’ you about, sir.”

“Following me about?  Nonsense!  Why should a bird do that?”

“Well, sir,” came the reply.  “I dunno, I’m sure, unless ’e’s ‘angin’ ’round you for safety.”

An Inspiring Model

Little Johnnie, having in his possession a couple of bantam hens, which laid very small eggs, suddenly hit on a plan.  Going the next morning to the fowl-run, Johnnie’s father was surprised to find an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, and above it a card, with the words: 

“Keep your eye on this and do your best.”

When the Honeymoon Began

A minister in a Western town was called upon one afternoon to perform the marriage ceremony between a negro couple—­the negro preacher of the town being absent from home.

After the ceremony the groom asked the price of the service.

“Oh, well,” said the minister, “you can pay me whatever you think it is worth to you.”

The negro turned and silently looked his bride over from head to foot, then, slowly rolling up the whites of his eyes, said: 

“Lawd, sah, you has done ruined me for life, you has, for sure.”

And She Kept on Smoking

“Aunt Chloe, do you think you are a Christian?” asked a preacher of an old negro woman who was smoking a pipe.

“Yes, brudder, I ’spects I is.”

“Do you believe in the Bible?”

“Yes, brudder.”

“Do you know there is a passage in the Scripture that declares that nothing unclean shall inherit the Kingdom of Heaven?”

“Yes, I’se heard of it.”

“Well, you smoke, and there is nothing so unclean as the breath of a smoker.  So what do you say to that?”

“Well, when I go dere I ’spects to leave my breff behind me.”

Doubtful Assurances

“Do you think they approved of my sermon?” asked the newly-appointed rector, hopeful that he had made a good impression.

“Yes, I think so,” replied his wife; “they were all nodding.”

A New Use for an Apple