“I ken that,” said the Scotsman, “but as ye’re aboot to mak’ me unconscious I jist want to see hoo I stan’.”

The Same, Only a Little Different

They were newly married, according to “The New York Sun,” and on a honeymoon trip.  They put up at a skyscraper hotel.  The bridegroom felt indisposed and the bride said she would slip out and do a little shopping.  In due time she returned and tripped blithely up to her room, a little awed by the number of doors that looked all alike.  But she was sure of her own and tapped gently on the panel.

“I’m back, honey; let me in,” she whispered.

No answer.

“Honey, honey, let me in!” she called again, rapping louder.  Still no answer.

“Honey, honey, it’s Mabel.  Let me in.”

There was silence for several seconds; then a man’s voice, cold and full of dignity, came from the other side of the door: 

“Madam, this is not a beehive; it’s a bathroom.”

For Him to Decide

“Well, well,” said the absent-minded professor, as he stood knee-deep in the bathtub, “what did I get in here for?”

A Large Corporation

An old lady, traveling for the first time in a large city, saw a glaring sign on the front of a high building which read, “The Smith Manufacturing Company.”

As she repeated it aloud slowly she remarked to her nephew:  “Lawsy mercy!  Well, I’ve hearn tell of Smiths all my life, but I never knew before where they made ’em.”

Accommodating Man

One day, after the brakeman had been pointing out the window and explaining the scenery, says the Denver “News,” one of the passengers whispered to the conductor:  “Conductor, can you tell me how that brakeman lost his finger?  He seems to be a very nice fellow.  It seems a pity he should be crippled.”

“That’s just it, ma’am.  He is a good fellow.  He is so obliging that he just wore his finger off pointing out the scenery along the line.”

The Early Bird

The card “Boy Wanted” had been swinging from the window of a publishing house only a few minutes when a red-headed little tad climbed to the publisher’s office with the sign under his arm.

“Say, mister,” he demanded of the publisher, “did youse hang out this here ‘Boy Wanted’ sign?”

“I did,” replied the publisher sternly.  “Why did you tear it down?”

Back of his freckles the youngster was gazing in wonder at the man’s stupidity.

“Hully gee!” he blurted.  “Why, I’m the boy!”

And he was.

No Wonder He Asked “Why?"

Edward had just returned from foreign service, and his brow was troubled.

“I gave you that parrot as a birthday present, did I not, Amelia?” he asked.

“Yes; but surely, Teddy, you are not going to speak of your tokens as if——­”

“It was young and speechless at the time.”