She Won Her Uncle

Uncle Harry was a bachelor and not fond of babies.  Even winsome four-year-oid Helen failed to win his heart.  Every one made too much fuss over the youngster, Uncle Harry declared.

One day Helen’s mother was called downstairs and with fear and trembling asked Uncle Harry, who was stretched out on a sofa, if he would keep his eye on Helen.  Uncle Harry grunted “Yes,” but never stirred from his position—­in truth his eyes were tight shut.

By-and-by wee Helen tiptoed over to the sofa and leaning over Uncle Harry softly inquired: 

“Feepy?”

“No,” growled Uncle Harry.

“Tired?” ventured Helen.

“No,” said her uncle.

“Sick?” further inquired Helen, with real sympathy in her voice.

“No,” still insisted Uncle Harry.

“Dus’ feel bum, hey?”

And that won the uncle!

Still He Wondered

One of the physicians at a popular winter health-resort was looking over his books one day, comparing his list of patients.  “I had a great many more patients last year than I have this,” he remarked to his wife.  “I wonder where they have all gone to?”

“Well, never mind, dear,” she replied.  “You know all we can do is to hope for the best.”

A Lesson In It

“The trouble with you ladies of the W.C.T.U. is,” said a man to a member of that organization, “that instead of opposing the christening of a vessel with champagne, you ought to encourage it and draw from it a great temperance lesson.”

“Why, how can we?” asked the “white ribboner.”

“Well,” was the reply, “after the first taste of wine the ship takes to water and sticks to it ever after.”

It Was His Privilege

As an express train was going through a station, says “Tit-Bits,” one of the passengers leaned too far out of the window, overbalanced and fell out.  He fortunately landed on a sand heap, so that he did himself no great injury, but, with torn clothes and not a few bruises, said to a porter who was standing by: 

“What shall I do?”

“You’re all right, mister,” said the porter.  “Your ticket allows you to stop off.”

Still Hopeful

“Well, Jimmy,” said his employer, “I don’t see how you are going to get out to any ball-games this season; your grandmother died four times last summer.”

“Oh, yes, I can, sir,” answered Jimmy.  “Grandpapa has married again, although it was very much against the wishes of the family.”

He Thought She Ought to Know It

“No, I haven’t anything for you today.  You are the man I gave some pie to a fortnight ago?”

“Yis, lidy, thank you; I come back because I thought p’r’aps you’d like to know I’m able to get about again.”

A Possible Substitute

“What have you in the shape of cucumbers this morning?” asked the customer of the new grocery clerk.