Not the Kind She Wanted

“Which way, please, to the corset department?” she asked of the floor-walker.

“Straight back, madam.”

“No, not straight back,” was the reply.  “I want a straight front.”

His Last Request

JUDGE (to prisoner just condemned to death):  “You have the legal right to express a last wish, and if it is possible it will be granted,”

PRISONER (a barber):  “I should like just once more to be allowed to shave the District Attorney.”

Why He Really Wanted to Go

“Would you mind if I went into the smoking-car, dear?” asked the bridegroom in a tender voice.

“What! to smoke, sweetheart?” questioned the bride.

“Oh, dear, no,” replied the young husband; “I want to experience the agony of being away from you, so that the joy of my return will be all the more intensified.”

No End to This Game for Two

  Said He:  “It is sweeter to give than receive. 
    Of a whipping this doubtless is true,
  But of kissing I cannot believe
    It holds good, till I’ve tried it.  Can you?”
  Said She; “I don’t know; let’s each give and receive,
    And so come to proof of the prop. 
  Now you give, and I’ll take, and we’ll leave
    The one to decide who cries ‘Stop!’”

And This in Boston!

A man who has just returned from Boston is “chortling” over a good joke on that correct and literary city.  He says that in the reading-room of one of the most exclusive clubs in the Hub there is a sign that reads: 

    ONLY LOW CONVERSATION PERMITTED HERE

Man Wants but Little, etc.

“Please, mum,” said a tramp, “would you be so kind as to let me have a needle and thread?”

“Well, y-e-s,” said the housewife at the door, “I can let you have that.”

“Thankee, mum.  Now, you’d oblige me very much if you’d let me have a bit of cloth for a patch.”

“Yes, here is some.”

“Thankee very much, mum.  It’s a little different color from my suit, I see.  Perhaps, mum, you could spare me some of your husband’s old clothes that this patch will match.”

“Well, I declare!  You’re clever, my man, and I’ll give you an old suit.  Here is one.”

“Thankee greatly, mum.  I see it’s a little large, mum, but if you’ll kindly furnish me with a square meal, mebby I can fill it out.”

It Certainly Tickled Them

An amateur artist contributed a painting to the academy for the first time.  With natural curiosity he said to the carrier, “Did you see my picture safely delivered?”

“Indeed I did,” replied the man, “and mighty pleased they seemed to be with it—­leastways, if I may jedge, sir.  They didn’t say nothin’, but, Lor’! how they did laugh when they got a light on it!”

Cured Without Medicine