“I thank you, sir-r, but I niver dhrink,” was Duffy’s quiet reply.

“What, you never drink?” said the drummer with a sarcastic laugh.  “Now, if you never drink, will you please tell me what makes that nose of yours so red?”

The impertinence of the questioner at once aroused the irascibility of the old gentleman, and he replied:  “Sir-r, it is glowing with proid because it is kept out of other people’s business.”

Why He Knew

A prominent Judge, who was an enthusiastic golfer, had occasion to question a boy witness in a criminal suit.

“Now, my boy,” said the Judge, “are you sure that you know the nature and significance of an oath—­that is, what an oath really means?”

The boy looked up at the Judge in surprise, and then answered: 

“Why, of course I do, Judge.  Don’t I caddy for you at the Country Club?”

Her Idea of Remembrance

Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes.  Said the cook: 

“Dat’s all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don’t want no flowers on my grave.  Jes plant a good old watermelon-vine; an’ when she gits ripe you come dar, an’ don’t you eat it, but jes bus’ it on de grave, an’ let de good old juice dribble down thro’ de ground!”

Did He Win Her?

Conversation lagged for a moment, according to a “Life” story, then, as he sipped his tea, he remarked quietly, but with a meaning emphasis, “You are to be married.”

“Mercy me!  To whom?” was the startled reply.

“To me; I came today on purpose to tell you.”

The Dog wasn’t Touched

“Madam,” said the conductor as he punched a ticket, “I am very sorry, but you can’t have your dog in this car.  It is against the rules.”

“I shall hold him in my lap all the way,” she replied, “and he will not disturb any one.”

“That makes no difference,” said the conductor.  “Dogs must ride in the baggage-car.  I’ll take and fasten him for you.”

“Don’t you touch my dog, sir,” exclaimed the young lady excitedly.  “I will trust him to no one,” and with indignant tread she marched to the baggage-car, tied her dog and said:  “Remember, please, I don’t want a soul here to touch my dog or untie him:  you understand?”

The baggage crew said they did.

As the train approached her station the young lady, hailing the conductor, asked:  “Is my dog all right?”

“I don’t know, miss,” replied the conductor.

“Don’t know?” she replied.  “Why don’t you know?  It’s your business to know.  You haven’t touched him or untied him?”

“No; we didn’t touch or untie him, and that’s just it.  You tied him to a trunk checked for two stations back.  The trunk had to be put off, and so we threw the dog off with the trunk!”