“I don’t know what’s the matter with that tall, blond gentleman over there.  He was so attentive a while ago, but he won’t look at me now.”

“Perhaps,” said the other, “he saw me come in.  He’s my husband.”

A Place for Jeremiah

A certain prosy preacher recently gave an endless discourse on the prophets.  First he dwelt at length on the minor prophets.  At last he finished them, and the congregation gave a sigh of relief.  He took a long breath and continued:  “Now I shall proceed to the major prophets.”

After the major prophets had received more than ample attention the congregation gave another sigh of relief.

“Now that I have finished with the minor prophets and the major prophets, what about Jeremiah?  Where is Jeremiah’s place?”

At this point a tall man arose in the back of the church.  “Jeremiah can have my place,” he said; “I’m going home.”

The One Thing He Wanted

After waiting the usual five or ten minutes the new arrival was served with the first dinner course of soup.  Hesitating a moment as he glanced at his plate, the guest said to the waiter: 

“I can’t eat this soup.”

“I’ll bring you another kind, sir,” said the waiter as he took it away.

“Neither can I eat this soup!” said the guest a trifle more emphatically, when the second plate was served.

The waiter, angrily but silently, for the third time brought a plate of soup.

“I simply can’t eat this soup!” once more said the guest, in a low, emphatic tone.

By this time the waiter was furious and called the hotel proprietor, while the guests at the nearby table looked over that way with curious glances.

“Really, sir, this is unusual.  May I ask why can’t you eat any of our soups?” demanded the proprietor.

“Because I have no spoon,” replied the guest quietly.

Why He Would Like It

The little son of the minister, at Sunday dinner, said at the family table: 

“Father, I wish I could be ‘a doorkeeper in the House of the Lord,’ as you said this morning.”

“Indeed,” said the minister-father, with a pleased look across the table at his wife.

“Yes,” said the boy, “for then I wouldn’t have to listen to the sermon.”

Why Mr. Duffy’s Nose was Red

The late Mr. Duffy, of Keene, New Hampshire, says “The Boston Herald,” was well known for his life-long total abstinence from intoxicants, which seemed somewhat at variance with the fact that his nose was very red.

On one occasion, when on business in a liquor saloon in his neighborhood, a drummer came in to sell cigars.  To gain the good graces of the bartender he invited all in the place to drink, to which invitation all readily responded save Mr. Duffy.

The drummer went to him, and slapping him on the shoulder, said:  “I say, old man, what are you going to have?”