“Well,” said the doctor, “how did you like my music-box?”

Said his guest with great disgust in his tones: 

“Bah!  That music-box!  The old thing played ‘God Save the King,’ and I had to stand up the whole time I was trying to bathe.”

His Heartbreaking Task

“Darling,” said the bride, “I had a terrible feeling of sadness come over me this afternoon—­a sort of feeling that you were doing something that would break my heart if I knew of it.  Think, sweet, what were you doing, now, this afternoon at four o’clock?”

“Dearest,” replied the husband tenderly and reassuringly, “at that hour I was licking stamps and pasting them on envelopes.”

Easily Accounted For

An Irishman, upon arriving in America, was asked his name at Ellis Island.  He gave it.

“Speak louder,” said the officer.

He repeated it.

“Louder,” again said the officer; “why, man, your voice is as soft as a woman’s!”

“Well,” said Pat, “that might be.  Me mother was a woman.”

The Retort Courteous!

A merry party being gathered in a city flat made such a racket that the occupant of a neighboring apartment sent his servant down with a polite message asking if it would be possible for the party to make less noise, since, as the servant announced, “Mr. Smith says that he cannot read.”

“I am very sorry for Mr. Smith,” replied the host.  “Please present my compliments to your master, say that I am sorry he cannot read, and tell him I could when I was four years old!”

When He Left

A prominent man called to condole with a lady on the death of her husband, and concluded by saying, “Did he leave you much?”

“Nearly every night,” was the reply.

A Popular Store

The salesman in a large department store wore a troubled look.  “You must be severely tried,” said a man standing by.  “There are all sorts and conditions of people in the world,”

“Yes, there are,” said the salesman, “and they’re all here, too!”

He Couldn’t Bend

A young man engaged board and lodging in a private family who were extremely devout.  Before each meal a long grace was said.  To their dismay and horror the new boarder sat bolt upright while the others at table reverently bowed their heads.  When the second day passed and the young man evinced no disposition to unbend, the good lady of the house could endure the situation no longer.

“Atheism?” asked she sharply.

“No, madam,” humbly responded the new boarder; “boil.”

Really, All the Same

As the railroad train was stopping an old lady, not accustomed to traveling, hailed the passing conductor and asked: 

“Conductor, what door shall I get out by?”

“Either door, ma’am,” graciously answered the conductor.  “The car stops at both ends.”