At a prayer-meeting a good old brother stood up and said he was glad to give the following testimony: 

“My wife and I,” he said, “started in life with hardly a cent in the world.  We began at the lowest round of the ladder, but the Lord has been good to us and we have worked up—­we have prospered.  We bought a little farm and raised good crops.  We have a good home and a nice family of children, and,” he added with much emphasis, “I am the head of that family.”

After he sat down his wife promptly arose to corroborate all that he had said.  She said that they had started in life with hardly a cent, the Lord had been good to them and they had prospered; they did have a farm and good crops, and it was true they did have a fine family of children.  But she added with satisfaction, “I am the neck that moves the head.”

Easy Enough

Some visitors who were being shown over a pauper lunatic asylum, says “Harper’s Weekly,” inquired of their guide what method was employed to discover when the inmates were sufficiently recovered to leave.

“Well,” replied he, “you see, it’s this way.  We have a big trough of water, and we turns on the tap.  We leave it running, and tells ’em to bail out the water with pails until they’ve emptied the trough.”

“How does that prove it?” asked one of the visitors.

“Well,” said the guide, “them as ain’t idiots turns off the tap.”

He Had Left the Cards All Right

The high-born dame was breaking in a new footman—­stupid but honest.

In her brougham, about to make a round of visits, she found she had forgotten her bits of pasteboard.  So she sent the man back with orders to bring some of her cards that were on the mantelpiece in her boudoir, and put them in his pocket.

At different houses, she told the footman to hand in one, and sometimes a couple, until at last she told Jeames to leave three at one house.

“Can’t do it, mum.”

“How’s that?”

“I’ve only got two left—­the ace of spades and the seven of clubs.”

And That Settled It

“If ye please, mum,” said the ancient hero, in an appealing voice, as he stood at the back door of the cottage on washday, “I’ve lost my leg——­”

“Well, I ain’t got it,” snapped the woman fiercely,

And the door closed with a bang.

What Do You Think the Porter Did?

A lady in the centre seat of the parlor car heard the request of a fellow-passenger directly opposite asking the porter to open the window, and, scenting a draft, she immediately drew a cloak about her.

“Porter, if that window is opened,” she snapped testily, “I shall freeze to death.”

“And if the window is kept closed,” returned the other passenger, “I shall surely suffocate.”

The poor porter stood absolutely puzzled between the two fires.