“I think,” she interrupted rashly, “that it’s the best thing he ever wrote.”

How Grandma Viewed Them

“I’m glad Billy had the sense to marry a settled old maid,” said Grandma Winkum at the wedding.

“Why, Grandma?” asked the son.

“Well, gals is hity-tity, and widders is kinder overrulin’ and upsettin’.  But old maids is thankful and willin’ to please.”

So Easy When it is Explained

A woman riding in a Philadelphia trolley-car said to the conductor: 

“Can you tell me, please, on what trolley-cars I can use these exchange slips?  They mix me up somewhat.”

“They really shouldn’t, madam,” said the polite conductor.  “It is very simple:  East of the junction by a westbound car an exchange from an eastbound car is good only if the westbound car is west of the junction formed by said eastbound car.  South of the junction formed by a northbound car an exchange from a southbound car is good south of the junction if the northbound car was north of the junction at the time of issue, but only south of the junction going south if the southbound car was going north at the time it was south of the junction.  That is all there is to it.”

Sixty Girls Not One Too Many

A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of a large building:  “Wanted:  Sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixth floor.”

One on the President

When the President alighted at Red Hill, Virginia, a few months ago, to see his wife’s new cottage, he noticed that an elderly woman was about to board the train, and, with his usual courtesy, he rushed forward to assist her.  That done, he grasped her hand and gyve it an “executive shake.”  This was going too far, and the woman, snatching her hand away and eying him wrathfully, exclaimed:  “Young man, I don’t know who you are, and I don’t care a cent; but I must say you are the freshest somebody I’ve ever seen in these parts.”

No Doubt of it

The lesson was from the “Prodigal Son,” and the Sunday-school teacher was dwelling on the character of the elder brother.  “But amidst all the rejoicing,” he said, “there was one to whom the preparation of the feast brought no joy, to whom the prodigal’s return gave no pleasure, but only bitterness; one who did not approve of the feast being held, and had no wish to attend it.  Now can any of you tell who this was?” There was a short silence, followed by a vigorous cracking of thumbs, and then from a dozen little mouths came the chorus:  “Please, sir, it was the fatted calf.”

The Lesson Stopped

The teacher was taking a class in the infant Sabbath-school room and was making her pupils finish each sentence to show that they understood her.

“The idol had eyes,” the teacher said, “but it could not——­”

“See,” cried the children.

“It had ears, but it could not——­”