Drove Him Mad

They took him to the sanatorium moaning feebly:  “Thirty-nine, thirty-nine.”

“What does he mean by that?” the attendant inquired.

“It’s the number of buttons on the back of his wife’s new frock,” the family doctor explained.

Tweedledum or Tweedledee

Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an important city.  The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being served the Mayor leaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, saying, “Shall we let the people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have your speech now?”

It Was Mary’s Own Idea

“Did you mail my letter, Mary?” asked her mistress.  “It was an important one, you know.”

“Yis, mum, indeed I did.”

“But why have you brought back the two cents I gave you for the stamp?”

“Sure, I didn’t have to use it, mum,” replied Mary.  “I slipped th’ letther into th’ box whin nobody was lukin’.”

He Couldn’t Very Well

A husband was being arraigned in court in a suit brought by his wife for cruelty.

“I understand, sir,” said the Judge, addressing the husband, “that one of the indignities you have showered upon your wife is that you have not spoken to her for three years.  Is that so?”

“It is, your Honor,” quickly answered the husband.

“Well, sir,” thundered the judge, “why didn’t you speak to her, may I ask?”

“Simply,” replied the husband, “because I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

A Coat That Wouldn’t Come Off

The inspector asked the boys of the school he was examining:  “Can you take your warm overcoats aff?” “Yes, sir,” was the response.  “Can the bear take his warm overcoat off?” “No, sir.”  “Why not?” There was silence for a while, and then a little boy spoke up:  “Please, sir, because God alone knows where the buttons are.”

The Young Housewife’s Latest

In the cook’s absence the young mistress of the house undertook, with the help of a green waitress, to get the Sunday luncheon.  The flurried maid, who had been struggling in the kitchen with a coffee machine that refused to work, confessed that she had forgotten to wash the lettuce.

“Well, never mind, Eliza.  Go on with the coffee, and I’ll do it,” said the considerate mistress.  “Where do you keep the soap?”

He Did His Best

A hungry Irishman went into a restaurant on Friday and said to the waiter: 

“Have yez any whale?”

“No.”

“Have yez any shark?”

“No.”

“Have yez any swordfish?”

“No.”

“Have yez any jellyfish?”

“No.”

“All right,” said the Irishman.  “Then bring me ham and eggs and a beefsteak smothered wid onions.  The Lord knows I asked for fish.”

The Power Behind