“Would you mind tyking boiled heggs, sir?  I’ve ’ad some words with the cook.”

It Was His Only Tie

One morning, as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call, sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation; “There, Sam, you have been over to the Stowes’s again without a necktie!  It’s really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!”

Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room.

A few minutes later his neighbor—­Mrs. S.—­was summoned to the door by a messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up.  She opened it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the following note: 

“Here is a necktie.  Take it out and look at it.  I think I stayed half an hour this morning.  At the end of that time will you kindly return it, as it is the only one I have?—­MARK TWAIN.”

Playing Doctor

BILLY:  “Gentlemen, before we begin to operate, if you will hold the patient’s hands and feet I’ll get that four cents out of his right-hand pocket.”

The Feminine Point of View

The Willoughbys had said good-by to Mrs. Kent.  Then Mr. Willoughby spoke thoughtfully: 

“It was pleasant of her to say that about wishing she could see more of people like us, who are interested in real things, instead of the foolish round of gayety that takes up so much of her time and gives her so little satisfaction, wasn’t it?”

His wife stole a sidewise glance at his gratified face, and a satirical smile crossed her own countenance.

“Very pleasant, George,” she said clearly.  “But what I knew she meant, and what she knew that I knew she meant, was that my walking-skirt is an inch too long and my sleeves are old style, and your coat, poor dear, is beginning to look shiny in the back.”

“Why—­what—­how——­” began Mr. Willoughby helplessly; then he shook his head and gave it up.

He Had Faith in the Doctor

A young English laborer went to the register’s office to record his father’s death.  The register asked the date of death.

“Well, father ain’t dead yet,” was the reply; “but he will be dead before morning, and I thought it would save me another trip if you would put it down now.”

“Oh, that won’t do at all,” said the register.  “Why, your father may be well before morning.”

“Ah, no, he won’t,” said the young laborer.  “Our doctor says he won’t, and he knows what he’s given father.”

What He Used the Milk For

A clergyman had been for some time displeased with the quality of milk served him.  At length he determined to remonstrate with his milkman for supplying such weak stuff.  He began mildly: 

“I’ve been wanting to see you in regard to the quality of milk with which you are serving me.”

“Yes, sir,” uneasily answered the tradesman.