who have returned from the hills to strangers, for
all are strangers to me but thou. I shall be sorry
to leave thee, Jesus, for our lives have been twisted
together, strands of the same rope. But it must
be plain to thee that I am growing weaker; month by
month, week by week, my strength is ebbing. I
am going out; but for what reason should I lament
that God has not chosen to retain me a few months
longer, since my life cannot be prolonged for more
than a few months? My eighty odd years have left
me with barely strength enough to sit in the doorway
looking back on the way I have come. Every day
the things of this world grow fainter, and life becomes
to me an unreal thing, and myself becomes unreal to
those around me; only to thee do I retain anything
of my vanished self. So why should I remain?
For thy sake, lest thou be lonely here? Well,
that is reason enough, and I will bear the burden
of life as well as I can for thy sake. A burden
it is, and for a reason that thou mayest not divine,
for thou art still a young man in my eyes, and, moreover,
hast not lived under a roof for many years listening
to learned interpretations of Scripture. Thou
hast not guessed, nor wilt thou ever guess, till age
reveals it to thee, that as we grow old we no longer
concern ourselves to love God as we used to love him.
No one would have thought, not even thou, whose mind
is always occupied with God, and who is more conscious
of him perhaps than any one I have known, no one,
I say, not even thou, would have thought that as we
approach death our love of God should grow weaker,
but this is so. In great age nothing seems to
matter, and it is this indifference that I wish to
escape from. Thou goest forth in the morning to
lead thy flock in search of pasture, if need be many
hours, and God is nearer to us in the wilderness than
he is among men. This meaning, Jesus said, that
under this roof I, too, may cease to love God?
Not cease to love God: one doesn’t cease
to love God, Hazael answered. But, Hazael, this
night I’ve yielded up the flocks to a new shepherd,
for my limbs have grown weary, and what thou tellest
me of old age frightens me. Thou wouldst warn
me that God is only loved on the hills under the sky——
I am too weak to choose my thoughts or my words, and
many things pass out of my mind, Hazael answered.
Had I remembered I shouldn’t have spoken.
But why not speak, Father? Jesus asked, so that
I may be prepared in a measure for the new life that
awaits me. Life never comes twice in the same
way, Hazael replied; nor do the same things befall
any two men. I know not what may befall thee:
but the sky, Jesus, will always be before thine eyes
and the green fields under thy feet, even while listening
to Mathias. But thou didst live once under the
sky, Jesus said. Not long enough, Hazael murmured,
but the love of God was ardent in me when I walked
by day and night, sleeping under the stars, seeking
young men who could give up their lives to the love