“I’ll settle him,” said Squire Headlong; and immediately posted up to Mr Cranium, informing him that four marriages were about to take place by way of a merry winding up of the Christmas festivities.

“Indeed!” said Mr Cranium; “and who are the parties?”

“In the first place,” said the squire, “my sister and Mr Foster:  in the second, Miss Graziosa Chromatic and Sir Patrick O’Prism:  in the third, Miss Tenorina Chromatic and your humble servant:  and in the fourth to which, by the by, your consent is wanted——­”

“Oho!” said Mr Cranium.

“Your daughter,” said Squire Headlong.

“And Mr Panscope?” said Mr Cranium.

“And Mr Escot,” said Squire Headlong.  “What would you have better?  He has ten thousand virtues.”

“So has Mr Panscope,” said Mr Cranium; “he has ten thousand a year.”

“Virtues?” said Squire Headlong.

“Pounds,” said Mr Cranium.

“I have set my mind on Mr Escot,” said the squire.

“I am much obliged to you,” said Mr Cranium, “for dethroning me from my paternal authority.”

“Who fished you out of the water?” said Squire Headlong.

“What is that to the purpose?” said Mr Cranium.  “The whole process of the action was mechanical and necessary.  The application of the poker necessitated the ignition of the powder:  the ignition necessitated the explosion:  the explosion necessitated my sudden fright, which necessitated my sudden jump, which, from a necessity equally powerful, was in a curvilinear ascent:  the descent, being in a corresponding curve, and commencing at a point perpendicular to the extreme line of the edge of the tower, I was, by the necessity of gravitation, attracted, first, through the ivy, and secondly through the hazel, and thirdly through the ash, into the water beneath.  The motive or impulse thus adhibited in the person of a drowning man, was as powerful on his material compages as the force of gravitation on mine; and he could no more help jumping into the water than I could help falling into it.”

“All perfectly true,” said Squire Headlong; “and, on the same principle, you make no distinction between the man who knocks you down and him who picks you up.”

“I make this distinction,” said Mr Cranium, “that I avoid the former as a machine containing a peculiar cataballitive quality, which I have found to be not consentaneous to my mode of pleasurable existence; but I attach no moral merit or demerit to either of them, as these terms are usually employed, seeing that they are equally creatures of necessity, and must act as they do from the nature of their organisation.  I no more blame or praise a man for what is called vice or virtue, than I tax a tuft of hemlock with malevolence, or discover great philanthropy in a field of potatoes, seeing that the men and the plants are equally incapacitated, by their original internal organisation, and the combinations and modifications of external circumstances, from being any thing but what they are. Quod victus fateare necesse est.”