It was no small thing to brave an opinion which would,
one knew, be very hard upon one, and to live on for
long years an arduous life leading to one knew not
what; but the sacrifice was not then consummated.
God enjoins me to pierce with my own hand a heart upon
which all the affection there is in my own has been
poured out. Filial love had absorbed in me all
the other affections of which I was capable, and which
God did not bring into play within me. Moreover,
there existed between my mother and myself many ties
arising from a thousand impalpable details which can
be better felt than described. This was the most
painful part of the sacrifice which God required of
me. I have hitherto only spoken to her about
Germany, and that is enough to make her very unhappy.
I tremble to think of what will happen when she knows
all. Her tender caresses go to my very heart,
as do her plans for my future, of which she is ever
talking to me, and in which I have not the courage
to disappoint her. She is standing close to me
as I write this to you. Did she but know!
I would sacrifice everything to her except my duty
and my conscience. Yes, if God exacted of me,
in order to spare her this pain, that I should extinguish
my thought and condemn myself to a plodding, vulgar
existence, I would submit. Many a time I have
endeavoured to deceive myself, but it is not in human
power to believe or not to believe at will. I
wish that I could stifle within me the faculty of
self-examination, for it is this which has caused all
my unhappiness. Fortunate are the children who
all their life long do but sleep and dream! I
see around me men of pure and simple lives whom Christianity
has had the power to make virtuous and happy.
But I have noticed that none of them have the critical
faculty; for which let them bless God!
I cannot tell you to what an extent I am spoilt and
made much of here, and it is this which grieves me
so. Did they but know what is passing in my heart!
I am fearful at times lest my conduct may be hypocritical,
but I have satisfied my conscience in this respect.
God forbid that I should be a cause of scandal to
these simple souls!
When I see in what an inextricable net God has involved
me while I was asleep, I am unable to resist fatalistic
thoughts, and I may often have sinned in that respect;
yet I never have doubted my Father which is in Heaven
or His goodness. Upon the contrary, I have always
given Him thanks, and have never felt myself nearer
to Him than at moments like those. The heart
learns only by suffering, and I believe with Kant
that God is only to be known through the heart.
Then too I was a Christian, and resolved ever to remain
one. But can orthodoxy be critical? Had
I but been born a German Protestant, for then I should
have been in my proper place! Herder ended his
days a bishop, and he was only just a Christian; but
in the Catholic religion you must be orthodox.
Catholicism is a bar of iron, and will not admit anything
like reasoning.