“THEN DON’T LET IT BE SOMETHING USEFUL!”]

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Tuesday Night, November 25.—­New Session opened to-day.  Remarkable gathering of Members in the Lords to hear Queen’s Speech read.  Unusual excitement, though heroically restrained in presence of LORD CHANCELLOR, supported on Woolsack by four figures in red cloaks and cocked hats, borrowed for occasion from Madame Tussaud’s.  HALSBURY lost his temper once when Commission being read.  Tussaud’s man, sent down to work the figures—­make them take off their cocked hats and nod upon cue being given by Reading Clerk—­was on duty for first time; much interested in arrival of Commons at the Bar; instead of lying low behind Woolsack and minding his business, kept poking his head round to peer forth on scene.  At last, LORD CHANCELLOR in hoarse whisper threatened to send him to Clock Tower if he didn’t behave properly.

After this all went well; figures bringing their right elbow up with a jerk, took off their hats at precisely right moment, and replaced them without a hitch.  They were labelled “Lord LATHOM,” “Earl of COVENTRY,” “Lord BROWNLOW,” and “Lord KNUTSFORD.”  LORD CHANCELLOR sat in the middle.  The ladies on floor of House watched them with much interest.

“Such dear old things,” said one, when the figure labelled “Earl of COVENTRY” cleverly pretended to sneeze.  “I wish they’d do it all over again; but I suppose the springs have run down.”

In the Commons, everyone on the look out for PARNELL.  What would he do?  Where would he sit?  What would he say?  Or, would he come at all?  Nobody knew.  Some suspected last guess most probable.  Towards Three o’Clock whisper went round that he was here.  SARK had seen him crossing Lobby, with green spectacles and umbrella, and his hair died crimson.  Was now in room with Irish Party, arranging about Leadership.  Understood before House met that he was to retire from Leadership till fumes from Divorce Court had passed away.  Then alliance between Home Rulers and Liberals would go on as before, and all would be well.  Ministerialists downcast at this prospect; Liberals chirpy; a great difficulty avoided.  Soon be in smooth water again.

Waiting in House for business to commence.  SPEAKER away for cause that saddens everyone; COURTNEY to take the Chair at Four o’Clock; meeting of Irish Members still going forward.  When business concluded, PARNELL would quietly walk out; they would take their places, and things would go on as if no one had ever heard of Eltham, of alarums and excursions, of exits by fire-escapes, and entrances by back doors.

Thinking of these things, I was standing by Sergeant-at-Arms’ chair; heard a scuffling noise behind; looked round, and lo! there was PARNELL entering House by Distinguished Strangers’ Gallery, descending by swarming down the end pillar, which supports Gallery from floor of House.