* * * * *

OUR HELPFUL PRESS.

“Summer time commences to-morrow morning at 2 o’clock, and it will be necessary for people to put their clocks by one hour before retiring to bed to-night.  In Southport the Cambridge Hall clock, which governs the clocks for the municipal buildings, will be put one hour at midnight.”—­Provincial Paper.

* * * * *

“The ——­ Society has a large selection of literature tracing the origin and development of Bolshevism, and exposing its miseries and horrors, of which samples will be forwarded on application.”—­Times.

We are not applying; it is bad enough to read about them.

* * * * *

From a General Routine Order:—­

“Shoeing.—­G.R.O.  No. ——­ d 2310/18.  With the exception of Pack and Draught Mules ..., all animals proceeding to join Units in the forward area must be shot all round without delay.”

That should save the farriers a lot of trouble.

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[Illustration:  THE ARMY OF UNOCCUPATION.

FIRST GENTLEMAN OF LEISURE.  “I SEE THEY’RE GIVING US ANOTHER SIX
MONTHS’ UNEMPLOYMENT PAY.  SEEMS ALL RIGHT.”

SECOND GENTLEMAN OF LEISURE.  “YES.  BUT WHAT ABOUT THE INDIGNITY OF
HAVING TO FETCH IT?  WHY CAN’T THEY BRING IT TO US?”]

* * * * *

[Illustration:  War Profiteer.  “AH, THAT’S BEAUTIFUL—­GOT ME TO THE LIFE, THAT ’AS.  WOTIMEANTERSAY IT LOOKS LIKE MONEY, THAT DOES!”]

* * * * *

ON THE RHINE.

III.

In spite of oft-repeated warnings—­in spite of the fact that I personally explained to each sentry that all he had to remember was that there were only seven different kinds of military passes, each one of different colour and all with dates, stamps and signatures, and that there was no difficulty in recognising its validity if a pass had the right British official stamp and so long as the signature underneath was one of the twenty-four people authorised to sign (a list of which would be kept in every sentry-box and constantly revised), and if the number of the pass, the name of the person, his address, destination, habits, hobbies and past life tallied exactly with the information on his “personal Ausweis,” which must be produced except in the case of a licence to proceed by bicycle, which differed, of course, in colour, shape, size and other small details (which would have to be learnt by heart) from the licence to carry foodstuffs—­in spite, also, of the fact that all necessary details of the examination of passes were typewritten in not more than three pages of the clearest official language and were posted up in every sentry-box—­even then that ass Nijinsky let the whole company down by passing a member of the Intelligence Police through the line on his giving his word of honour that it was all right.