The Assistant Provost-Marshal stood at his office window and gazed out upon his garden.  His thoughts were also pleasant, for the garden belonged to him by right of billet law, and in the garden grew strawberries rich and ripe.

The A.P.M. pictured the envy of brother A.P.M.’s when he should ask them to a strawberry feast.

The Corps Commander’s thoughtful wanderings took him by chance through the A.P.M.’s garden, and as he walked he stooped now and again and picked some of the sacred fruit.

The A.P.M. swelled with impotent anger, for the Corps Commander was known to be “hot stuff,” and nobody had told him “not to do it” for a very long time.

That night the A.P.M. sought the company of his friend the R.E. officer and told his troubles.

The R.E. officer had been a journalist before the War and had learnt to say and write rude things without offence.  He was also the owner of wood and paint and brushes.

The next morning a large notice-board reared its head above the scarlet fruit of the strawberry bed:—­

    ANYONE FOUND PICKING THESE STRAWBERRIES
    WILL HAVE HIS COW SHOT.

* * * * *

    “Express Train to the Orient.

    The itinerary will include London, Paris, Vallorbe, Lausanne,
    the Simpleton, Milan, Trieste and beyond.  The first train is
    fixed to leave Paris on April 15.”—­Provincial Paper.

“All Fools’ Day” would have been more appropriate for the “Simpleton” route.

* * * * *

The following advertisement appeared in a French provincial paper:—­

    “TAKE KERE!

    Ask always the interchanging thooth made by this inventors in
    this mastery.  The interchanging tooth is able for any people
    and it is very good and not dear.

The imperfections of the mouth, resulting of a bad dentition, are stricken away by the application of the interchanging Thooth.  That toolh it is not expensive and you can changed in five minutes if it broked.

    Gives you all guarontees of perfect natural immitation. 
    ENGLISH SPOKEN.”

But, as you may have remarked, not invariably written.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  CRAMPING HIS STYLE.

BRITISH LION:  “I’M GETTING A BIT TIRED OF THIS LADY.  AFTER ALL, I AM
A LION, AND NOT AN ASS.”]

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Monday, March 31st.—­Colonel WILLIAM THORNE has the credit of eliciting from the Government the most hopeful statement about Peace which has yet been made.  To the hon. and gallant Member’s suggestion that May 1st should be declared a general holiday, if Peace was signed before that date, Mr. BONAR LAW replied that it would be considered.