P.S.—­The furniture which he threw was not his property to dispose of.  G.J.

When my wife got a flash of this letter she made a kick to the effect that it was some kind of a cypher, possibly the beginning of a secret correspondence.

It was up to me to hand Gladys the frosty get-back, so this is what I said: 

Respected Madam:—­I’m a slob on that bridge whist thing, plain poker being the only game with cards that ever coaxes my dough from the stocking, but I’ll do the advice gag if it chokes me: 

Bridge whist is played with, cards, just like pinochle, with the exception of the beer.

Not enough cards is a misdeal; too many cards is a mistake; and cards up the sleeve is a slap on the front piazza if they catch you at it.

You shouldn’t get up and dance the snakentine dance every time you take a trick.  It looks more genteel and picturesque to do the two-step.

When your opponent has not followed suit it is not wise to pick out a loud tone of voice and tell him about it.  Reach under the table and kick him on the shins.  If it hurts him he is a cheater; if it doesn’t hurt him always remember that you are a lady.

Don’t forget what is trumps more than eighteen times during one hand.  The limit used to be twenty-six times, but since the insurance people have been playing Hyde and seek the best bridge whist authorities have put the limit down to eighteen.

It isn’t wise to have a conniption fit every time you lose a trick.  Nothing looks so bad as a conniption fit when it doesn’t match the complexion, and generally it delays the game.

When the game is close don’t get excited and climb up on the table.  It shows a want of refinement, especially if you are not a quick climber.

Never whistle while waiting for someone to play.  Whistling is not in good taste.  Go over and bite out a couple of tunes on the piano.

When your opponent trumps an ace don’t ever hit him carelessly across the forehead with the bric-a-brac.  Always remember when you are in Society that bric-a-brac is expensive.

Don’t lead the ten of clubs by mistake for the ace of trumps and then get mad and jump seventeen feet in the air because they refuse to let you pull it back.

In order to jump seventeen feet in the air you would have to go through the room upstairs, and how do you know whose room it is?

There, Gladys, if you follow these rules I think you can play the game of bridge whist without putting a bruise on the Monroe doctrine.

P.S.—­When you play for money always bite the coin to see if it means as much as it looks.

The next day, in order to square myself with my wife for getting a letter I hadn’t any use for, I went to one of those New York department stores to get her a birthday present.

Say! did you ever get tangled up in one of those department store mobs and have a crowd of perfect ladies use you for a door mat?