“‘Je suis tout a votre service,’ the waiter cross-countered before I could recover, and he had me gasping.  It never struck me that I had to take a course in French before entering the St. Regis hunger foundry, and there I sat making funny faces at the tablecloth, while my wife blushed crimson and the waiter kept on bowing like an animated jack-knife.

“‘Say, Mike!’ I ventured after a bit; ’tip us off to a quiet bunch of eating that will fit a couple of appetites just out seeing the sights.  Nothing that will put a kink in a year’s income, you know, Beau; just suggest some little thing that looks better than it tastes, but is not too expensive to keep down.’

“‘Oui, oui!’ His Marseillaise came back at me, ’un diner confortable doit se composer de potage, de volaille bouillie ou rotie, chaude ou froide, de gibier, de plats rares et distingues, de poissons, de sucreries, de patisseries et de fruits!’

“I looked at my wife, she looked at me, then we both looked out the window and wished we had never been born.

“‘Say, Garsong,’ I said, after we came to, ’my wife is a daughter of the American Revolution and she’s so patriotic she eats only in United States, so cut out the Moulin Rouge lyrics and let’s get down to cases.  How much will it set me back if I order a plain steak—­just enough to flirt with two very polite appetites?’

“‘Nine dollars and seventy cents,’ said Joan of Arc’s brother Bill; ’the seventy cents is for the steak and the nine dollars will help some to pay for the Looey the Fifteenth furniture in the bridal chamber.’

“‘Save the money, John,’ whispered Peaches; ’and we’ll buy a cow with it.’

“‘How about a sliver of roast beef with some slapped potatoes,’ I said to the waiter.  ‘Is it a bull market for an order like that?’

“‘Three dollars and forty-two cents,’ answered Henri of Navarre; ’forty-two cents for the order and three dollars to help pay for the French velvet curtains in the golden suite on the second floor.’

“‘Keep on guessing, John; you’ll wear him out,’ Peaches whispered.

“’Possibly a little cold lamb with a suggestion of potato salad on the side might satisfy us,’ I said; ‘make me an estimate.’

“‘Four dollars and eighteen cents,’ replied Patsey Boulanger; ’eighteen cents for the lamb and salad and the four dollars for the Looey the Fifteenth graperies in the drawing-room.’

“’Ask him if there’s a bargain counter anywhere in the dining-room,’ whispered Peaches.

“‘My dear,’ I said to Clara J., ’we have already displaced about sixty dollars’ worth of space in this dyspepsia emporium, and we must, therefore, behave like gentlemen and order something, no matter what the cost.  What are the savings of a life-time compared with our honor!’

“The waiter bowed so low that his shoulder blades cracked like a whip.

“‘Bring us,’ I said, ‘a plain omelet and one dish of prunes.’