DISPOSITION

One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents to animals on its right of way.  Recently a track foreman had the killing of a cow to report.  In answer to the question, “Disposition of carcass?” he wrote:  “Kind and gentle.”

There was one man who had a reputation for being even tempered.  He was always cross.

DISTANCES

A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rolling prairie land of Montana last summer.  It was a hot, blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

“Say, friend,” called out one of the men, “how far is it to the next town?”

“Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon,” called back the rancher.  Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

“How far to the next town?” the men asked him eagerly.

“Oh, a good two miles.”

A weary half-hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher.

“Hey, how far’s the next town?”

“Not far,” was the encouraging answer.  “Only about two miles.”

“Well,” sighed an optimistic sergeant, “thank God, we’re holdin’ our own, anyhow!”

DIVORCE

“When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week what would you call it?”

“Taking his name in vain.”—­Princeton Tiger.

DOGS

LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle)—­“The poor little darling, where did you find him?”

TRAMP—­“Oh, a man ’ad ’im, miss, tied to a pole, and was cleaning the windows wiv ’im!”

A family moved from the city to a suburban locality and were told that they should get a watchdog to guard the premises at night.  So they bought the largest dog that was for sale in the kennels of a neighboring dog fancier, who was a German.  Shortly afterward the house was entered by burglars who made a good haul, while the big dog slept.  The man went to the dog fancier and told him about it.

“Veil, vat you need now,” said the dog merchant, “is a leedle dog to vake up the big dog.”

  “Dogs is mighty useful beasts
    They might seem bad at first
  They might seem worser right along
    But when they’re dead
          They’re wurst.”

  —­Ellis Parker Butler.

“My dog took first prize at the cat show.”

“How was that?”

“He took the cat.”—­Judge.

FAIR VISITOR—­“Why are you giving Fido’s teeth such a thorough brushing?”

FOND MISTRESS—­“Oh!  The poor darling’s just bitten some horrid person, and, really, you know, one can’t be too careful.”—­Life.