“Stand to one side, gentlemen,” he remarked quietly.  “The lady wishes to climb over the gate.”

COURTS

One day when old Thaddeus Stevens was practicing in the courts he didn’t like the ruling of the presiding Judge.  A second time when the Judge ruled against “old Thad,” the old man got up with scarlet face and quivering lips and commenced tying up his papers as if to quit the courtroom.

“Do I understand, Mr. Stevens,” asked the Judge, eying “old Thad” indignantly, “that you wish to show your contempt for this court?”

“No, sir; no, sir,” replied “old Thad.”  “I don’t want to show my contempt, sir; I’m trying to conceal it.”

“It’s all right to fine me, Judge,” laughed Barrowdale, after the proceedings were over, “but just the same you were ahead of me in your car, and if I was guilty you were too.”

“Ya’as, I know,” said the judge with a chuckle, “I found myself guilty and hev jest paid my fine into the treasury same ez you.”

“Bully for you!” said Barrowdale.  “By the way, do you put these fines back into the roads?”

“No,” said the judge.  “They go to the trial jestice in loo o’ sal’ry.”

A stranger came into an Augusta bank the other day and presented a check for which he wanted the equivalent in cash.

“Have to be identified,” said the clerk.

The stranger took a bunch of letters from his pocket all addressed to the same name as that on the check.

The clerk shook his head.

The man thought a minute and pulled out his watch, which bore the name on its inside cover.

Clerk hardly glanced at it.

The man dug into his pockets and found one of those “If-I-should-die-tonight-please-notify-my-wife” cards, and called the clerk’s attention to the description, which fitted to a T.

But the clerk was still obdurate.

“Those things don’t prove anything,” he said.  “We’ve got to have the word of a man that we know.”

“But, man, I’ve given you an identification that would convict me of murder in any court in the land.”

“That’s probably very true,” responded the clerk, patiently, “but in matters connected with the bank we have to be more careful.”

See also Jury; Witnesses.

COURTSHIP

“Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the first girl you ever loved?”

“Yes, if you’re the first liar she has ever met.”

     Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran
     Fell in love with Maria McCann. 
       With a yell and a whoop
       He cleared the front stoop
     Just ahead of her papa’s brogan.

SPOONLEIGH—­“Does your sister always look under the bed?”

HER LITTLE BROTHER—­“Yes, and when you come to see her she always looks under the sofa.”—­J.J.  O’Connell.