A very large lady entered a street car and a young man near the door rose and said:  “I will be one of three to give the lady a seat.”

To our Fat Friends:  May their shadows never grow less.

See also Dancing.

COSMOPOLITANISM

Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe of New York.

“New York’s cafes are singular enough,” said Mr. Lazansky, “without the addition of such a queerly named institution as the Hell.”

He smiled and added: 

“Is there anything quite so queerly cosmopolitan as a New York cafe?  In the last one I visited, I saw a Portuguese, a German and an Italian, dressed in English clothes and seated at a table of Spanish walnut, lunching on Russian caviar, French rolls, Scotch salmon, Welsh rabbit, Swiss cheese, Dutch cake and Malaga raisins.  They drank China tea and Irish whisky.”

COST OF LIVING

“Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?” asked the careful mother.

“I did,” replied the busy father.  “I don’t care so much for the Smiggs boy, but I can’t have anybody in this family throwing coal around like that.”

“Live within your income,” was a maxim uttered by Mr. Carnegie on his seventy-sixth birthday.  This is easy; the difficulty is to live without it.—­Satire.

“You say your jewels were stolen while the family was at dinner?”

“No, no!  This is an important robbery.  Our dinner was stolen while we were putting on our jewels.”

A grouchy butcher, who had watched the price of porterhouse steak climb the ladder of fame, was deep in the throes of an unusually bad grouch when a would-be customer, eight years old, approached him and handed him a penny.

“Please, mister, I want a cent’s worth of sausage.”

Turning on the youngster with a growl, he let forth this burst of good salesmanship: 

“Go smell o’ the hook!”

TOM—­“My pa is very religious.  He always bows his head and says something before meals.”

DICK—­“Mine always says something when he sits down to eat, but he don’t bow his head.”

TOM—­“What does he say?”

DICK—­“Go easy on the butter, kids, it’s forty cents a pound.”

COUNTRY LIFE

BILTER (at servants’ agency)—­“Have you got a cook who will go to the country?”

MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)—­“Is there any one here who would like to spend a day in the country?”—­Life.

VISITOR—­“You have a fine road leading from the station.”

SUBUBS—­“That’s the path worn by servant-girls.”

See also Commuters; Servants.

COURAGE

AUNT ETHEL—­“Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the dentist’s?”