Heaven sends us good meat, but the devil sends us cooks.—­David Garrick.

COOKS

See Servants.

CORNETS

Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on Sunday would go to heaven.

The great preacher’s reply was characteristic.  Said he:  “I don’t see why he should not, but”—­after a pause—­“I doubt whether the man next door will.”

CORNS

Great aches from little toe-corns grow.

CORPULENCE

The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the colored laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer.  Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat.  He tipped the scales at some three hundred pounds.

“Missus,” said the woman, “I’ll do your washing, but I’se gwine ter charge you double for your husband’s shirts.”

“Why, what is your reason for that Nancy,” questioned the mistress.

“Well,” said the laundress, “I don’t mind washing fur an ordinary man, but I draws de line on circus tents, I sho’ do.”

An employee of a rolling mill was on his vacation when he fell in love with a handsome German girl.  Upon his return to the works, he went to Mr. Carnegie and announced that as he wanted to get married he would like a little further time off.  Mr. Carnegie appeared much interested.  “Tell me about her,” he said.  “Is she short or is she tall, slender, willowy?”

“Well, Mr. Carnegie,” was the answer, “all I can say is that if I’d had the rolling of her, I should have given her two or three more passes.”

A very stout old lady, bustling through the park on a sweltering hot day, became aware that she was being closely followed by a rough-looking tramp.

“What do you mean by following me in this manner?” she indignantly demanded.  The tramp slunk back a little.  But when the stout lady resumed her walk he again took up his position directly behind her.

“See here,” she exclaimed, wheeling angrily, “if you don’t go away at once I shall call a policeman!”

The unfortunate man looked up at her appealingly.

“For Heaven’s sake, kind lady, have mercy an’ don’t call a policeman; ye’re the only shady spot in the whole park.”

A jolly steamboat captain with more girth than height was asked if he had ever had any very narrow escapes.

“Yes,” he replied, his eyes twinkling; “once I fell off my boat at the mouth of Bear Creek, and, although I’m an expert swimmer, I guess I’d be there now if it hadn’t been for my crew.  You see the water was just deep enough so’s to be over my head when I tried to wade out, and just shallow enough”—­he gave his body an explanatory pat—­“so that whenever I tried to swim out I dragged bottom.”