Representative X, from North Carolina, was one night awakened by his wife, who whispered, “John, John, get up!  There are robbers in the house.”

“Robbers?” he said.  “There may be robbers in the Senate, Mary; but not in the House!  It’s preposterous!”—­John N. Cole, Jr.

Champ Clark loves to tell of how in the heat of a debate Congressman Johnson of Indiana called an Illinois representative a jackass.  The expression was unparliamentary, and in retraction Johnson said: 

“While I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr. Speaker, I must insist that the gentleman from Illinois is out of order.”

“How am I out of order?” yelled the man from Illinois.

“Probably a veterinary surgeon could tell you,” answered Johnson, and that was parliamentary enough to stay on the record.

A Georgia Congressman had put up at an American-plan hotel in New York.  When, upon sitting down at dinner the first evening of his stay, the waiter obsequiously handed him a bill of fare, the Congressman tossed it aside, slipped the waiter a dollar bill, and said, “Bring me a good dinner.”

The dinner proving satisfactory, the Southern member pursued this plan during his entire stay in New York.  As the last tip was given, he mentioned that he was about to return to Washington.

Whereupon, the waiter, with an expression of great earnestness, said: 

“Well, sir, when you or any of your friends that can’t read come to New York, just ask for Dick.”

CONSCIENCE

The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of the “still small voice” before it is driven to the use of the telephone.

A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in an office across the street that made him rub his eyes and look again.  Yes, there was no doubt about it.  The pretty stenographer was sitting upon the gentleman’s lap.  The lawyer noticed the name that was lettered on the window and then searched in the telephone book.  Still keeping his eye upon the scene across the street, he called the gentleman up.  In a few moments he saw him start violently and take down the receiver.

“Yes,” said the lawyer through the telephone, “I should think you would start.”

The victim whisked his arm from its former position and began to stammer something.

“Yes,” continued the lawyer severely, “I think you’d better take that arm away.  And while you’re about it, as long as there seems to be plenty of chairs in the room—­”

The victim brushed the lady from his lap, rather roughly, it is to be feared.  “Who—­who the devil is this, anyhow?” he managed to splutter.

“I,” answered the lawyer in deep, impressive tones, “am your conscience!”

  A quiet conscience makes one so serene! 
  Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded
  That all the Apostles would have done as they did.