“Indeed!” said she sweetly; “is that any worse than men going into saloons to get their noses red?”

A friend once wrote Mark Twain a letter saying that he was in very bad health, and concluding:  “Is there anything worse than having toothache and earache at the same time?”

The humorist wrote back:  “Yes, rheumatism and Saint Vitus’s dance.”

The Rev. Dr. William Emerson, of Boston, son of Ralph Waldo Emerson, recently made a trip through the South, and one Sunday attended a meeting in a colored church.  The preacher was a white man, however, a white man whose first name was George, and evidently a prime favorite with the colored brethren.  When the service was over Dr. Emerson walked home behind two members of the congregation, and overheard this conversation:  “Massa George am a mos’ pow’ful preacher.”  “He am dat.”  “He’s mos’s pow’ful as Abraham Lincoln.”  “Huh!  He’s mo’ pow’ful dan Lincoln.”  “He’s mos’ ‘s pow’ful as George Washin’ton.”  “Huh!  He’s mo’ pow’ful dan Washin’ton.”  “Massa George ain’t quite as pow’ful as God.”  “N-n-o, not quite.  But he’s a young man yet.”

Is it possible your pragmatical worship should not know that the comparisons made between wit and wit, courage and courage, beauty and beauty, birth and birth, are always odious and ill taken?—­Cervantes.

COMPENSATION

“Speakin’ of de law of compensation,” said Uncle Eben, “an automobile goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits harder and balks longer.”

COMPETITION

A new baby arrived at a house.  A little girl—­now fifteen—­had been the pet of the family.  Every one made much of her, but when there was a new baby she felt rather neglected.

“How are you, Mary?” a visitor asked of her one afternoon.

“Oh, I’m all right,” she said, “except that I think there is too much competition in this world.”

A farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for watering his fields.  The very first day while he was trying it there suddenly came a downpour of rain.  He put away his machine.

“It’s no use,” he said; “you can do nothing nowadays without competition.”

COMPLIMENTS

Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row which took place in front of his store that morning:  “The first thing I saw was one man deal the other a sounding blow, and then a crowd gathered.  The man who was struck ran and grabbed a large shovel he had been using on the street, and rushed back, his eyes blazing fiercely.  I thought he’d surely knock the other man’s brains out, and I stepped right in between them.”

The young son of the family had become so hugely interested in the narrative as it proceeded that he had stopped eating his pudding.  So proud was he of his father’s valor, his eyes fairly shone, and he cried: