“Well, why don’t ye jump?”

“The evening wore on,” continued the man who was telling the story.

“Excuse me,” interrupted the would-be-wit; “but can you tell us what the evening wore on that occasion?”

“I don’t know that it is important,” replied the story-teller.  “But if you must know, I believe it was the close of a summer day.”

“See that measuring worm crawling up my skirt!” cried Mrs. Bjenks.  “That’s a sign I’m going to have a new dress.”

“Well, let him make it for you,” growled Mr. Bjenks.  “And while he’s about it, have him send a hookworm to do you up the back.  I’m tired of the job.”

  Dwellers in huts and in marble halls—­
    From Shepherdess up to Queen—­
  Cared little for bonnets, and less for shawls,
    And nothing for crinoline. 
  But now simplicity’s not the rage,
    And it’s funny to think how cold
  The dress they wore in the Golden Age
    Would seem in the Age of Gold.

  —­Henry S. Leigh.

  Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
  But not express’d in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
  For the apparel oft proclaims the man.

  —­Shakespeare.

CLUBS

Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement.

“When we are married,” said Belle, “I shall expect you to shave every morning.  It’s one of the rules of the club I belong to that none of its members shall marry a man who won’t shave every morning.”

“Oh, that’s all right,” replied Ben; “but what about the mornings I don’t get home in time?  I belong to a club, too.”—­M.A.  Hitchcock.

The guest landing at the yacht club float with his host, both of them wearing oilskins and sou’-westers to protect them from the drenching rain, inquired: 

“And who are those gentlemen seated on the veranda, looking so spick and span in their white duck yachting caps and trousers, and keeping the waiters running all the time?”

“They’re the rocking-chair members.  They never go outside, and they’re waterproof inside.”

One afternoon thirty ladies met at the home of Mrs. Lyons to form a woman’s club.  The hostess was unanimously elected president.  The next day the following ad appeared in the newspaper: 

“Wanted—­a reliable woman to take care of a baby.  Apply to Mrs. J. W. Lyons.”

COAL DEALERS

In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coal business a revival was recently held and the elder of the brothers was converted.  For weeks he tried to persuade his brother to join the church.  One day he asked: 

“Why can’t you join the church like I did?”

“It’s a fine thing for you to belong to the church,” replied the younger brother, “If I join the church who’ll weigh the coal?”