The school-teacher, pursing her lips, remarked, “It will not be necessary for you to talk.”

When her bill was presented, there was a five-dollar charge marked “Extra.”

“What is this?” she asked, pointing to the item.

“That,” replied the farmer, “is for sass.  I don’t often take it, but when I do I charge for it.”—­E.  Egbert.

PATIENT (angrily)—­“The size of your bill makes my blood boil.”

DOCTOR—­“Then that will be $20 more for sterilizing your system.”

At the bedside of a patient who was a noted humorist, five doctors were in consultation as to the best means of producing a perspiration.

The sick man overheard the discussion, and, after listening for a few moments, he turned his head toward the group and whispered with a dry chuckle: 

“Just send in your bills, gentlemen; that will bring it on at once.”

“Thank Heaven, those bills are got rid of,” said Bilkins, fervently, as he tore up a bundle of statements of account dated October 1st.

“All paid, eh?” said Mrs. Bilkins.

“Oh, no,” said Bilkins.  “The duplicates dated November 1st have come in and I don’t have to keep these any longer.”

BIRTHDAYS

When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman has a birthday she takes a year off.

BLUFFING

Francis Wilson, the comedian, says that many years ago when he was a member of a company playing “She Stoops to Conquer,” a man without any money, wishing to see the show, stepped up to the box-office in a small town and said: 

“Pass me in, please.”

The box-office man gave a loud, harsh laugh.

“Pass you in?  What for?” he asked.

The applicant drew himself up and answered haughtily: 

“What for?  Why, because I am Oliver Goldsmith, author of the play.”

“Oh, I beg your pardon, sir,” replied the box-office man, as he hurriedly wrote out an order for a box.

BLUNDERS

An early morning customer in an optician’s shop was a young woman with a determined air.  She addressed the first salesman she saw.  “I want to look at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra magnifying power.”

“Yes, ma’am,” replied the salesman; “something very strong?”

“Yes, sir.  While visiting in the country I made a very painful blunder which I never want to repeat.”

“Indeed!  Mistook a stranger for an acquaintance?”

“No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumblebee for a black-berry.”

The ship doctor of an English liner notified the death watch steward, an Irishman, that a man had died in stateroom 45.  The usual instructions to bury the body were given.  Some hours later the doctor peeked into the room and found that the body was still there.  He called the Irishman’s attention to the matter and the latter replied: