A Methodist negro exhorter shouted:  “Come up en jine de army ob de Lohd.”  “I’se done jined,” replied one of the congregation.  “Whar’d yoh jine?” asked the exhorter.  “In de Baptis’ Chu’ch.”  “Why, chile,” said the exhorter, “yoh ain’t in the army; yoh’s in de navy.”

BARGAINS

MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)—­“What did the lady who just went out want?”

SHOPGIRL—­“She inquired if we had a shoe department.”

“Hades,” said the lady who loves to shop, “would be a magnificent and endless bargain counter and I looking on without a cent.”

Newell Dwight Hillis, the now famous New York preacher and author, some years ago took charge of the First Presbyterian Church of Evanston, Illinois.  Shortly after going there he required the services of a physician, and on the advice of one of his parishioners called in a doctor noted for his ability properly to emphasize a good story, but who attended church very rarely.  He proved very satisfactory to the young preacher, but for some reason could not be induced to render a bill.  Finally Dr. Hillis, becoming alarmed at the inroads the bill might make in his modest stipend, went to the physician and said, “See here, Doctor, I must know how much I owe you.”

After some urging, the physician replied:  “Well, I’ll tell you what I’ll do with you, Hillis.  They say you’re a pretty good preacher, and you seem to think I am a fair doctor, so I’ll make this bargain with you.  I’ll do all I can to keep you out of heaven if you do all you can to keep me out of hell, and it won’t cost either of us a cent.  Is it a go?”

“My wife and myself are trying to get up a list of club magazines.  By taking three you get a discount.”

“How are you making out?”

“Well, we can get one that I don’t want, and one that she doesn’t want, and one that neither wants for $2.25.”

BASEBALL

A run in time saves the nine.

Knowin’ all ’bout baseball is jist ‘bout as profitable as bein’ a good whittler.—­Abe Martin.

“Plague take that girl!”

“My friend, that is the most beautiful girl in this town.”

“That may be.  But she obstructs my view of second base.”

When Miss Cheney, one of the popular teachers in the Swarthmore schools, had to deal with a boy who played “hookey,” she failed to impress him with the evil of his ways.

“Don’t you know what becomes of little boys who stay away from school to play baseball?” asked Miss Cheney.

“Yessum,” replied the lad promptly.  “Some of ’em gets to be good players and pitch in the big leagues.”

BATHS AND BATHING

The only unoccupied room in the hotel—­one with a private bath in connection with it—­was given to the stranger from Kansas.  The next morning the clerk was approached by the guest when the latter was ready to check out.