“Do you have much trouble with your automobile?”

“Trouble!  Say, I couldn’t have more if I was married to the blamed machine.”

A little “Brush” chugged painfully up to the gate of a race track.

The gate-keeper, demanding the usual fee for automobiles, called: 

“A dollar for the car!”

The owner looked up with a pathetic smile of relief and said: 

“Sold!”

Autos rush in where mortgages have dared to tread.

See also Fords; Profanity.

AUTOMOBILING

“Sorry, gentlemen,” said the new constable, “but I’ll hev to run ye in.  We been keepin’ tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners.”

“Why, that’s nonsense!” said Dubbleigh.  “It’s taken us four hours to come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tire.  That’s only five miles an hour.”

“Sure!” said the new constable, “but the speed law round these here parts is ten mile an hour, and by Jehosophat I’m goin’ to make you ottermobile fellers live up to it.”

Two street pedlers in Bradford, England, bought a horse for $11.25.  It was killed by a motor-car one day and the owner of the car paid them $115 for the loss.  Thereupon a new industry sprang up on the roads of England.

“It was very romantic,” says the friend.  “He proposed to her in the automobile.”

“Yes?” we murmur, encouragingly.

“And she accepted him in the hospital.”

“What you want to do is to have that mudhole in the road fixed,” said the visitor.

“That goes to show,” replied Farmer Corntassel, “how little you reformers understand local conditions.  I’ve purty nigh paid off a mortgage with the money I made haulm’ automobiles out o’ that mud-hole.”

The old lady from the country and her small son were driving to town when a huge automobile bore down upon them.  The horse was badly frightened and began to prance, whereupon the old lady leaped down and waved wildly to the chauffeur, screaming at the top of her voice.

The chauffeur stopped the car and offered to help get the horse past.

“That’s all right,” said the boy, who remained composedly in the carriage, “I can manage the horse.  You just lead Mother past.”

“What makes you carry that horrible shriek machine for an automobile signal?”

“For humane reasons.” replied Mr. Chugging.  “If I can paralyze a person with fear he will keep still and I can run to one side of him.”

In certain sections of West Virginia there is no liking for automobilists, as was evidenced in the case of a Washingtonian who was motoring in a sparsely settled region of the State.

This gentleman was haled before a local magistrate upon the complaint of a constable.  The magistrate, a good-natured man, was not, however, absolutely certain that the Washingtonian’s car had been driven too fast; and the owner stoutly insisted that he had been progressing at the rate of only six miles an hour.